Posts from February 2002

26
Feb 02

THE FANTASTIC BLUR

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THE FANTASTIC BLUR

Welcome True Believers to the most astounding story you have ever heard. Marvel at a story so unbelieveable we had to commit it to a com-pu-tah to lend it credibility. Yes, this is the story of four ordinary Essex lads from the late eighties who – on a journey in their experimental pop rocket – were hit by cosmic “credibility” rays and found themselves transformed into the most astonishing team of heroes ever. Fighting for truth, justice and a somewhat sulky indie-copycatists way, they became : THE FANTASTIC BLUR: The World’s Greatest Comic Band!

Featuring Damon Albarn – Mr Fantastic: The brains behind The Fantastic Blur, an inventor of tricky crafty machines to nick other peoples ideas and tunes and present them as his own. His powers included going out with someone from Elastica for a bit – at which point he was nicknamed as Elasticaman – and probably wrote all their songs for them. These days he is able to morph into a Gorrilla at will.

Alex James – The Human Fag: The cool, laid back member of the Fantastic Blur he nevertheless is great in a scrap as he knows Keith Allen. Has the power to constantly smoke a fag, and if the situation is extremely dire, accidentally set fire to his floppy fringe with the exclaimation “Fag On”.

Graham Coxon: The Invisible Gurl: The shy, retiring – hold up is he even there member of the band with the incredible power to never be noticed. Annoyed that his power would kick in without his volition, Coxon has attempted to spin off from The Fantastic Blur and become a hero on his own. Now nobody notices him at all. Also has the ability to create an invisible force field which stops anyone going near him. He calls this his personality.

Dave Rowntree: The Thing At The Back. Mutated beyond belief this ginger monstrosity lurks at the back of the band to horrific for words. Or even interest.

Mr (He Thinks He’s) Fantastic, The Human Fag, The Invisible Gurl and The Thing – together for the first time in one band! Come with me True Believer, learn of The Fantastic Blur’s legendary battles for the honour and integrity of Britain Independent Music and their seemingly neverending fight against arch-nemeses, The Frightfully Dull Five (led the Dr Doom of Darsbury Noel Gallagher). Thrill at how all their records sound like someone elses – from The Small Faces through to The Spirit(ulalized). Fall asleep as they release yet another experimental album full of dirges like No Distance Left To Run. Wish that their comic – and hence career – would be cancelled. The Fantastic Blur, the only fantastic thing about them is that people have been buying their records for so long. Truly fantastic.

NME honours OLD PUNKISTS

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NME honours OLD PUNKISTS for duties towards gobbing. World continues to spin, I fail to care. Warning: the face of old punxx0r MINGS. Do not look if you are about to eat yore lunch. For a minute I mixed up Nick Kent with Nick Kershaw. I wish I had been right.

They left out the bit about the plastic glasses:

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They left out the bit about the plastic glasses: “As a style label indie is not particularly useful, although it does carry connotations of sensitive, somewhat introspective personas who generally lack strong vocal projection.”—Grove Music Guide.

DUEL 2002! Round 1 Match 2

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DUEL 2002! Round 1 Match 2

Yesterday’s Result: Creed: 87% – Ash: 13%. CREED WIN.

An overwhelming victory for the American God-botherers, whose winning margin must surely make them early favourites to go all the way (except the Bible forbids that sort of malarkey). But how will they manage against tougher nuts than Ash, whose reputation escapes relatively intact? Today’s match, meanwhile, features two heavyweights who might give Creed a tussle. Pete B introduces:

“There was a time when Metal was all about long hair, Satanism and really rubbish guitar tunes. But now all of that has changed, metal is about piercing, hating your parents and really rubbish guitar tunes. See, all brand spanking Nu. And the Nu-est of the Nu are Limp Bizkit – who at least retain the old metal affectation of spelling words wrong. At least that is what you originally think until you see their front man Fred Durst – then you realise that maybe they just spelt it wrong because they are stupid. Its their way or the Duel superhighway – vote for them and send them Rollin’ into the next round.

However they face very stern and tough opposition from the arch-miserablists Radiohead. But wait – you say – they are no longer the suicide kings with their happy, experimental albums Kid A and Amnesiac. Thom and his band of poshos can’t fool the Duel audience though. Slapping one track which sounds like the Aphex Twin on a record does not turn it into a Chas’n’Dave knees-up. Are Radiohead the worst band in the world – they certainly had the least effective re-invention.”



Duel 2002 Round 1 Match 2

Which Of These Two Bands Is WORSE?
Limp Bizkit
Radiohead


View current results
View message board

(I’ve enabled comments on this poll – we’ll see how that works…)

Bootylicious!

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Bootylicious! – this fucker took me until 3 AM to finish so I hope you like it! (OK, you can hate it if you want). Blockbuster article on bootlegs, by me, and this week’s sole FT update most likely.

25
Feb 02

Stuck in the media with you

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Stuck in the media with you: ‘I loved the music you used in your intro,’ says the interviewee, plainly delighted he can riff off of a handy PopCult ref to make his point: ‘Reservoir Dogs, very appropriate. Except for this story it’s Reservoir Bogs…’ And here surely the Newsnight anchorman should have cut him off: ‘I’m sorry sphincterboy, that totally doesn’t even mean anything, can you get to the actual point please?’ Time was the sound editors using pop as gag-colour under BBC2’s serious news-stories were sly and witty, even a eensy-weensy bit subversive possibly. Now they’re reduced to bigging up non-stories — viz the office feud at the heart of the Byers-Moore-Sixsmith affair — by use of rubbish film pastiche. Clips of the central figures filmed walking slowed down hohum Dogs-style, and sigh soundtracked by yes that 70s chart-song that Tarantino resurrected which grrr no I CAN’T momentarily remember the NAME of because its CONSTANT repetition EVERYWHERE has WITHERED MY BRANE!! When a retired civil servant apparently incapable of pointful insight on-camera can confidently go Late Review on us YES I SAW WHAT YOU DID THERE it is time to state clearly ‘Popsongs in news stories = end this non-big non-clever nightmare now’

The Ugly Sound Your Past Makes

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The Ugly Sound Your Past Makes: excellent Tangents article which strikes possibly too many chords.

Freaky Trigger 3rd Birthday Special

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Freaky Trigger 3rd Birthday Special – we’re 3 at the end of March, and we want to do something special to celebrate. Here’s where you find out how you can join in!

Ladies and gentlemen New York London Paris Munich is proud to present the glorious return of….

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Ladies and gentlemen New York London Paris Munich is proud to present the glorious return of….

DUEL!

Duel asks the question: what is the worst band in the world? Thirty-two bands and artists of varying degrees of badness have been scientifically selected by your NYLPM staffers to battle it out in a knockout competition to determine the pinnacle of badness, 2002 style. Your part in this is simply to vote in the poll below, and in subsequent polls. To qualify for Duel a band or artist needs to have had a certain amount of popular success, a certain amount of critical acclaim, and attracted a certain number of people who want to shake their fans hard and scream “My God you fools! Can’t you see? They’re terrible!” We apologise in advance if any deserving candidates have been missed out.

Today’s Duel! sees a clash between two bands of fairly local appeal. In the blue corner, Ash, one-time plucky teenagers from Northern Ireland, now horribly returned after their ‘difficult second album’ with a collection of My First Indie Record tunes which has seen them bring a touch of beige back to an otherwise vibrant Top 40. In the red corner, Creed, Christian rockers from the United States Of Jesus who use the power of the chord to spread the word of the Lord, and who perhaps thankfully I know very little about. The choice is yours, and come back at lunchtime tomorrow for a freshly hellish quandary (featuring two very big names!). (Comment on this Duel!)



Duel 2002 Round 1 Match 1

Which of these two bands is worse?
Ash
Creed


View current results
free polls and surveys @ www.votations.com


POP-EYE 24/2/02

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POP-EYE 24/2/02

‘This,’ says Isabel, ‘Is such a timewarp.’ She’s talking about Afroman‘s ‘Crazy Rap’ (UK readers should retitle it ‘Wacky Rap’ to get the right idea) but it also applies to the dispiriting experience of actually bothering to listen to the bottom half of the UK Top 40. Who is still buying Afroman? Who is not yet sick of Goldtrix? Who, in God’s name, considered it a good idea to go into record shops and buy enough copies of ‘Handbags And Gladrags’ to keep it clinging to the charts like an unpleasant stain for what is surely the five thousandth week in succession?

Conventional industry wisdom says the charts are too fast — hardly any singles climb to No.1 any more, the business is all sewn up, blink and you miss five new entries and a number one. Pop-Eye has this to say: ‘Bollocks.’ The chart in fact is too slow — it’s little short of a disgrace that in the year 2002 we haven’t yet perfected mechanisms for removing unwanted Stereophonics tracks from the Top 40 in under a month. What we have now, at best, is a chart of two halves — the elephants’ graveyard from 21-40 and a firework display in the top half. So it proves this week as the record industry finally wakes from hibernation and remembers that popkind cannot live on Inglesias alone (indeed that four weeks of top-spot Inglesias far exceeds the BMA’s recommended yearly limit). In fact the record industry rather overdoes it: all this week’s four highest new entries could have been Number One any other week. Two of those even should have been.

Much like No Doubt, whose moment in the Pop-Eye limelight was cruelly denied by reason of my being too hungover and lazy to write the column. So it was that ‘Hey Baby’ was dismissed by Pete last week, but constant plays since have confirmed my initial suspicions — this is a terrific single. As is often the way with terrific singles it has stupid bits and there’s no denying that Gwen Stefani gets a bit high-handed with the English language on the pre-chorus. But the bumping dancehall rhythm wins through and then some. This is No Doubt’s equivalent of Blur’s ‘Girls And Boys’ — a dance-craze ripoff which even they may have considered a cynical novelty, but which ends up sounding like the best record of their career.

(While we’re at it, DB Boulevard‘s ‘Point Of View’ is the prettiest, twinkliest dance-pop hit since I-don’t-know-when, too!)

Onto the actual new entries: if I was Alanis Morrissette I’d want to wash my hands of the new single too. Alas her fingerprints are all over ‘Hands Clean’ — the usual chunka-chunka drum loop, the usual polysyllabic cawing. The lyrics come off at first like an almighty Diva-diss from Ms.Moz but by the end of the song we’re in far creepier territory as Alanis sings the part of an industry sexual predator, with heavy paedophiliac overtones (wonder what the crossover market is between this and ‘Moi’Lolita’). But I only know that cos I read her interview in Q when I was bored on the bus — on the radio Alanis’ garbling wrestles any sense away from the listener, and it’s quiet-loud business as bloody usual.

The downside of Freaky Trigger’s newfound bootleg-mania is that I’m now getting impatient with new tracks – Princess Superstar? Yeah, it’s fun…but just wait for the bootlegs! Get rid of that horn track and whack some Flock of Seagulls under it! Nice one! (I know other Pop-Eye writers are mad keen for Princess S, but for me the loop wears me down after a verse or two while the rap only really takes off when Superstar gets to play off against straight-laced Dad. It got one measly star in Smash Hits, though, clearly a magazine concerned not to lead its target market into boyfriend/shower temptation).

‘After five years of trying, British rock band A finally crack the Top 40…’ Five years??! Did you see the bloke on CD:UK? FIFTY years more like. ‘Give us some skin!’ he yells, which is absolutely the last thing he needs. (Has he thought of botox?). Mr. A makes Fred Durst look like a vigorous young thing, but even if he’s more Nu-Meldrew than nu-metal it’s hard to deny that right now singles-buyers are going mad for anything rock-ish. Pop-Eye is duty bound to reflect that, so if you’re a reader who actually likes this stuff and you fancy taking a crack at the column then be our guest. Not that I dislike ‘Nothing’ — it’s shouty and noisy and, goodness, is that the time?

Mis-Teeq‘s steelband garage on ‘B With Me’ (complete with skanky-slinky horn line) is this week’s best new entry. It has pretty much everything you’d want from a pop-garage hit: a chewy bassline, shout-outs (including ‘Hookline!’), a tight chorus and even a plot! Garage girl lusts after office boy in his ‘pinstripe suit’ but he’s hooked up and so is she though that don’t stop her dreaming. In a less logjammed week we’d be popping the Cristal (or downing the Chardonnay in Emma’s case) to celebrate a fantastic number one.

As it is they have to settle for fifth place, behind R.Kelly, who knocks out a film tie-in ballad the way only ginormous American popstars can. British and Irish ballads tend to be humble things, seeking your love in oily fashion, and we obviously love them that way, as Westlife‘s previous nine number ones generally prove. But the Americans know how to do the big numbers properly, and like ‘Hero’, ‘The World’s Greatest’ is an Enterprise carrier of a ballad: glistening with producer firepower, possessed of awesome global reach, overwhelmingly massive and unrivalled in its capacity to cause vague resentment even among its supposed pop allies.

To further drag out Pete’s military metaphors of last week, Kylie‘s ‘In Your Eyes’ can’t make much of a dent on Inglesias, which is why we need to follow up his dislodging this week with Will Young, just to make sure (‘We had to destroy the charts in order to save them, Sir.’). But plucky Kylie at least beats out smuggo Kelly, cunningly sticking the words ‘Spinning Around’ into her song to remind us of one of her other hits, and equally cunningly continuing with the polished disco loveliness (and the, um, well-put-together videos) that made us pop doubters love her last time out.

A tenth number one for Westlife, even if it is toppling Enrique from No.1, wouldn’t generally be cause for Pop-Eye celebration. But this is slightly different. The pop press have been hailing ‘World Of Our Own’ as Westlife’s first ever uptempo single, and granted I’d love to have forgotten ‘Uptown Girl’ too. What it actually is, is Westlife’s first-ever bearable single. Oh, sure, it’s only as good as the last record by, say, Emma Bunton — jogalong and joyless – but next to ‘Flying Without Wings’ or — mercy! — ‘Queen Of My Heart’, it’s an oasis. But for us parched pop pioneers it may well prove a mirage: next week is going to see the record for fastest-selling UK single ever broken by a ballad so dead-lettuce limp that Westlife turned it down. You can listen in if you like: I shall be down the pub.