Welcome True Believers to the most astounding story you have ever heard. Marvel at a story so unbelieveable we had to commit it to a com-pu-tah to lend it credibility. Yes, this is the story of four ordinary Essex lads from the late eighties who – on a journey in their experimental pop rocket – were hit by cosmic “credibility” rays and found themselves transformed into the most astonishing team of heroes ever. Fighting for truth, justice and a somewhat sulky indie-copycatists way, they became : THE FANTASTIC BLUR: The World’s Greatest Comic Band!

Featuring Damon Albarn – Mr Fantastic: The brains behind The Fantastic Blur, an inventor of tricky crafty machines to nick other peoples ideas and tunes and present them as his own. His powers included going out with someone from Elastica for a bit – at which point he was nicknamed as Elasticaman – and probably wrote all their songs for them. These days he is able to morph into a Gorrilla at will.

Alex James – The Human Fag: The cool, laid back member of the Fantastic Blur he nevertheless is great in a scrap as he knows Keith Allen. Has the power to constantly smoke a fag, and if the situation is extremely dire, accidentally set fire to his floppy fringe with the exclaimation “Fag On”.

Graham Coxon: The Invisible Gurl: The shy, retiring – hold up is he even there member of the band with the incredible power to never be noticed. Annoyed that his power would kick in without his volition, Coxon has attempted to spin off from The Fantastic Blur and become a hero on his own. Now nobody notices him at all. Also has the ability to create an invisible force field which stops anyone going near him. He calls this his personality.

Dave Rowntree: The Thing At The Back. Mutated beyond belief this ginger monstrosity lurks at the back of the band to horrific for words. Or even interest.

Mr (He Thinks He’s) Fantastic, The Human Fag, The Invisible Gurl and The Thing – together for the first time in one band! Come with me True Believer, learn of The Fantastic Blur’s legendary battles for the honour and integrity of Britain Independent Music and their seemingly neverending fight against arch-nemeses, The Frightfully Dull Five (led the Dr Doom of Darsbury Noel Gallagher). Thrill at how all their records sound like someone elses – from The Small Faces through to The Spirit(ulalized). Fall asleep as they release yet another experimental album full of dirges like No Distance Left To Run. Wish that their comic – and hence career – would be cancelled. The Fantastic Blur, the only fantastic thing about them is that people have been buying their records for so long. Truly fantastic.