Archives – 2002 – February  
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HOW TO WRITE A DIDO SONG
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1: Have sex.
2: Get up and have a cup of tea.
3: Try and think of a first line. Fail.
4: Notice that your tea has gone cold and frankly you would much rather be back in bed shagging the bloke who has given you that ear to ear (and exceptionally punch[…]

THE FANTASTIC BLUR
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THE FANTASTIC BLUR
Welcome True Believers to the most astounding story you have ever heard. Marvel at a story so unbelieveable we had to commit it to a com-pu-tah to lend it credibility. Yes, this is the story of four ordinary Essex lads from the lat[…]

PICK ON SOMEBODY YOUR OWN SIZE
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PICK ON SOMEBODY YOUR OWN SIZE
Let’s think of some small things. The profits that the Poptones label made in its first year. The amount of emotion the Pet Shop Boys pour into every one of their songs. The number of times Slade or Prince actuall[…]

BEETHOVEN vs BACH
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BEETHOVEN vs BACH
Another trawl through my always riveting mail finds alongside the requests for me to eviscerate Gong and Genesis(The Lamb Lies Down On Broadway – and gets run over by me in a monster truck, etc etc) this curious note from Tona[…]

B-JERK
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B-JERK
?Its Oh So Quiet? whispers the Icelandic pop pixie on the album ?Post?. Not for long though if Bjork is around, nothing remains quiet once her growly shriek comes into play. Akin to the kind of siren they install in Nuclear Power Stations to w[…]

I Hate Music lyric watch #10: Transglobal Underground – “Templehead”
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“Music, it is the universal language”
Oh, right. So that’s why in Star Trek all the alien races speak “music” then. Why do we speak English or French or Chinese when we could all be happily burbling along in the Esperant[…]

Tanya Headon’s Rock School
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1: Play Harmonica like Bob Dylan in three easy steps:
1. Put harmonica to your lips
2. Blow
3. Suck
Repeat for the length of the solo but whatever you do, to be true to the unique Dylan style, do not move your mouth. This may introduce other “n[…]

My worst nightmare squared
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Hey kids, there’s a fresh def new musical phenomenon doing the ’rounds’. Just imagine if you will the rapping from Get Ur Freak On by Missy Elliott (unpleasant I know but bear with me), and then – get this – imagine that[…]

I Hate Music lyric watch #9: Nas – “Hate Me Now”
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It’s a thin line between paper and hate
friends and snakes, nine millis and thirty-eights
Now it is relatively unclear what Mr Nastradamus is trying to say here. I would agree that when it comes to automatic weaponry and their armaments that po[…]

RANDY NEWMAN – Short People
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RANDY NEWMAN – Short People
Is it just me but is Randy Newman’s baiting of short people not dissimilar to the kind of Nazi propaganda which was spread in the 1930’s against the Jews? Utterly foundless, logically flawed and just hate[…]

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