“Bonjour dudes, it’s me, the Lascaux Cave Paintings, specifically the one where a bull with a spear through its arse is goring a bloke to death while a chicken on a stick looks the other way. Thanks to my 17,000 years of experience in hum[…]

“Howdy! It’s me, Pizza Rat! You may remember me as the heartwarming if somewhat unhygienic meme from 2015, back in the days before… some stuff happened. Don’t ask me what though, the average lifespan for a rat is about 2 years[…]

“Noswaith dda! Dwi’n Duo, y tylluanod Cymreig! Roeddwn i’n siomedig iawn am fod Kat yn rhoi’r gorau i wneud Duolingo y llynedd. Gwn ei bod hi’n brysur iawn, ond mae fy planed yn marw, ac mae angen Quosh arnom. Pam ydych […]

“Greetings! It’s me, 90’s summer dance craze The Macarena. I’ve never really gone away, as you must surely know: the muscle memory of hand flips and hip wiggles is ingrained into the very fabric of your DNA, to be passed down […]

“Greetings, I am the renowned, cross-eyed clairvoyant, Mystic Meg. I’m here, to predict, in a deliberately awkward intonation, that the numbers 3826546, and i, and the colour “bergerac”, will be impoooortant. People who stock […]

“Wotcher me old muckers. I’m Nena’s 100th Red Balloon, the one edited out of the final version of the song because I ‘wouldn’t scan proper’. We only come in packs of 100 you know. Whatcha got against a nice round n[…]

“Hi there, I’m the Heart of the Ocean, a fictional diamond necklace made famous by Britney asking whether I’d been chucked in the Atlantic Ocean or not when actually I was on MARS. My higher than average refractive index means I hav[…]

“Hullo! I’m Hero, the naughty hedgehog mascot of the 2017 World Athletics Championships. You thought I was mute, didn’t you, just because I was holding up all those Bangface-style signs? In fact I was merely SILENCED by the authorit[…]

“Hello children. I’m the Demon Headmaster, beloved patriarchal figure of note who wants nothing more than to educate keen students in the most efficient, hypnotic manner possible. If getting results requires a subtle Orwellian undercurren[…]

Previously on Brie & Cranberry Wars…we saw our intrepid reporter tackling sauce with curious geometrical properties, incisoring through predictably chewy bread and carefully measuring the thickness of sliced cheese leading an ultimate stale[…]