20
Jun 00

ALL MUSIC SUCKS

I Hate Music25 comments • 2,769 views

ALL MUSIC SUCKS

Face it, every single note of music ever committed to paper, vinyl, CD, zeroes and ones sucks harder than Linda Lovelace in a sucking competition with a black hole. There is absolutely nothing going for music. It just plain sucks.

“Wait a minute? How can you say that Tanya?” I hear you all cry. “Why bother slagging off all those other bands and genres if you’re just going to say that all music plain sucks?” I hear you whimper. “Where’s your bloody evidence?” I hear you scream.

Well, the answers to these are staring you right in the face. Go on, just turn on your radio and listen to the aural abuse that eminates from it. I hate it, you hate it, but somebody does like it. Well, fuck em, is what I say, because for every person that likes something, there is definitely more than one person who despises it, thus creating a negative utility whereby all music must suck.

You may not agree with my simple utilitarian values, but the proof is there for you all to see. All bands, artists, classical composers (ESPECIALLY classical composers!) suffer from this utility vacuum. It is inescapable. You can’t please everyone, but this inability of musicians is why they suck. They should be able to please everyone. It’s their job to! If they can’t do this, then they just suck.

You can probably prove it by induction too, but having been left up the junction by my maths teacher, then I’d fall flat on my arse if I even tried. Much like those pesky musicians who think they’re good, but ain’t pleasing me.

Look, if you were a bad chef who displeased more people than you pleased with the food you cooked, you’d get the sack. If your food killed more people who ate it than those that survived (a vivid, but totally plausible situation I might add), then you’d been looking for another form of employment.

All musicians suck. They’re just plain bad. Now I’m no journalist, I’m just a cultural commentator who happens to have a penchant for hating music. But, if I was a bad journalist who pissed off more people than I pleased, then I’d be out on a…..actually, no, I’d still have my job.

Music is just bad. All of it sucks. Whether you prove it by utilitarian values, induction, the theory of relativity, or by complex differential equations, you can’t escape the bottom line that it sucks, and there is nothing that can save it. It just sucks.

I just saw Titanic, and that sucks. Therefore, all films must suck too. In fact, everything just sucks. EVERYTHING. The universe especially. Everything and everyone sucks. Yah-Boo Sucks!

Comments

  1. 1
    Julian Germain on 24 Aug 2006 #

    everyone is always asking me what kind of music I listen to. It’s pissing me off, because all music DOES suck. I hate it more every day. It’s all a conspiracy, to get people to BUY music, and the music they buy forces them to listen to MORE music. And they keep buying MORE…

  2. 2
    person on 26 Oct 2006 #

    You should listen to simple plan I think they write songs for people like you

  3. 3
    Pretentious fag on 26 Oct 2006 #

    Yeah you suck you pretentious bitch

  4. 4
    Lenoxus on 15 Dec 2006 #

    I’d been getting very frustrated by the number of Netizens making sweeping generalizations about country & western (a genre that I find has its merits just like any other), and this made my week. Thank you.

  5. 5
    Culebra on 22 Dec 2006 #

    I am a musician. And I agree with your sentiment. As it happens, I was sitting writing some crap or other and this theory poured out of me. Stream of conciousness stylee. Anyhoo, here it is:

    If religion is opium for the masses, then, music is the church of choice. It is clearly the dominant religion of our generation. For what could invoke such die-hard loyalty, such mindless dedication, such worshipful obsession? What can cause individuals of all walks of life to submit to their life in service of the real gods of this world? It’s the quintessential MO of a good religion. Even those who believe that they are railing against the system, moving counter to
    culture – are in fact inhabiting a space they cannot escape from. Do they really think that by being punk and saying ‘Bush is a dickhead’ they can change the inexorable forces in the world? Can they fuck. Music leads them to think they can. If it could, why isn’t there a Jello Biafra heading for the US Senate? Why isn’t Johnny Rotten sitting in the House of Commons? Bush and the people that control him can’t hear you, fool. Whether it be Britney or AMEN, music keeps us in our place. I know this because I am a devotee, a missionary, a preacher, a pusher, a junkie. We are all so busy striving to get to the good times (through our soundtrack of preference) that we have lost the ability to believe that we can change the world for better. There are a lot more of us than there are of the ones in control, yet here we are, waiting for Saturday night so that we can Listen to, dance to, perform, and generally lose ourselves at the altar of music. We don’t bother with spiritual notions because our spirit is filled with music, and hell, hasn’t science disproved the idea of God with it’s wondrous theory of evolution? Wow. Really? Do we actually know it ALL? Funny, I’ve heard some pretty prominent
    scientists declaring that to believe the theory of evolution takes about as much faith as it does to believe in God – because so many crucial cogs in the machinery of evolution remain a total mystery (Kind of like, well, God). But that’s okay folks we don’t need to dig any deeper because we have MUSIC to absorb our time and minds. I want to believe that music can be a force for good. But how can it? Can you imagine the head of some multinational corporation sitting down and listening to the ‘Lacrymosa’ by Mozart and deciding to plough every penny his company has into feeding the poor (which
    would be easy with all that money)? Nah. He’ll pop into his childs room with a wistful look and watch it sleeping. That’s all. Music has no power in the real world. It just makes people want to look, sound and be like their musical heroes. Their prophets and saints. It will never mobilise an entire nation to stand against their government. It will fulfil the same purpose that the Catholic church did when created in the 4th century by Constantine and his Cronies, that is, make everyone fall in line and be controllable, be they Pagans or Christians… or Dance-heads or Goths or Mods… How can
    Music save us? Only in the same way that Religion can. It can save us internally, in our minds. It can give us hope, faith. But faith in what? Faith in the fact that there will be more music tomorrow? Well, yes. But imagine taking music away altogether. We would have no choice but to pursue other avenues of thought. Maybe spend the time doing the research that proves the existance of God or the Veracity of Evolution. Perhaps we would all talk to each other and find a way to depose the people that squash us into their service instead of working shitty jobs so that we can buy an ipod. Holy shit, we’re so fucked.

  6. 6
    Aaron on 6 Nov 2007 #

    you’re a living joke

  7. 7
    Lenoxus on 16 Jan 2008 #

    “Hasn’t science disproved the idea of God with it’s wondrous theory of evolution?”

    You’re correct — it hasn’t. To say that evolution “disproves” God does Him an enormous disservice, because it assumes that His most important job is being the universe’s fine-tuning engineer, which, IMHO, kind of misses the forest for the trees. Does a round earth, or people who live past 70 years, “disprove” the Bible, or is the Bible more importantly about morals and wonder and stuff like that? (In any case, something like God could never be “disproved” anyway, as one can’t universally prove a negative.)

    To address your point about music-as-religion, it seems to me that this can be said of anything and everything sufficiently popular. If mathematics was something that instinctively drove us all wild, it would be similarly religious for us to practice.

    “Can you imagine the head of some multinational corporation sitting down and listening to the ‘Lacrymosa’ by Mozart and deciding to plough every penny his company has into feeding the poor?” No, but, um, that’s kind of a liability of every single phenomenon in the world, short of the threat of violence. (Unless you count a sufficiently bad classical song as… the threat of violins! Sorry, I couldn’t help myself.)

    Ultimately, it seems that you’re finding music to be guilty of being just one thing, with all the trappings and limitations of being a thing, and hence a distractor from “what really matters.” Yet apparently you and I and all of us decided that this silly old blog post was important enough to discuss years after its publication, for the sheer fun of discussion. What are we doing talking like this? Let’s all get back to work!

    Sorry if I sound defensive; I really don’t mean to. I should mention that I sincerely admire your devotion to the greater good, to saving the world from itself, so to speak. Keep fighting the good fight! I’ll be right there with you all!

  8. 8
    Nick Niesen on 15 Sep 2008 #

    I agree entirely. Music sucks.

    I am a musician, technology has made so many leaps and bounds people are finding it hard to keep up. Given, I’ve made the concious decision to get caught up, keep up, and get ahead just as soon as my brain can wrap itself around all the new information. Fortunately, I’m a fast learner.

    I don’t want to go too far into detail here. I’m just glad I found someone that agrees with me. I say it all the time, I don’t like music and I think everything that has been coming out sucks.

  9. 9
    f u on 15 Oct 2008 #

    classical composers? HA! You don’t get it! YOU DON’T GET IT! All music above is bullshit except that which defined humanities greatness. Classical is THE most complex, simply, elemental, violent, beautiful, otherworldly artistic creation ever conceived by western civilization. If you don’t agree, you are wrong and that’s that. AND YOU, you stupid pink whore, don’t deserve to hear the notes that were wept for your sad ass.

  10. 10
    JustAnOpinion on 26 Mar 2009 #

    I think that this is just a failed joke attempt, because the facts are absolutely ridiculous, abstract and shallow.

  11. 11
    kjfdjngrdgm on 7 Apr 2009 #

    You said the word, “utilitarian.”…Wow… I hope you’re not using those words to show off how “smart” you think you are. If not, then you must be old.

    “I agree entirely. Music sucks.

    I am a musician…I’m just glad I found someone that agrees with me. I say it all the time, I don’t like music and I think everything that has been coming out sucks.”
    Wow, contradictining, elitist, and a dumb statement.
    I sure hope the comments needs to be verified by the admin of this post, not just to say how snobbish he sound, but for some to tell nickniessen that he is doing something against his own will. What a sad/snobbish life.

  12. 12
    Dr. Xbox on 27 May 2009 #

    Your paragraphs suck.

    And yes music really does suck completely. Auditoriums filled with people all waiting to hear the instrument jerk offs.

    I hope they cancel all music.

    May we live in a silent world.

    Thank you,

    Perhaps its not that the music sucks its that musicians suck, and are over gratified.

  13. 13
    ghgfhg on 19 Jul 2009 #

    I never paid for music once in my life. As a youth I simply took my big brothers,friends. The kind of borrowing that isn’t stealing but it is.

    When that phase was over the internet appeared and wham free any/everything.

    Now even with everything free I choose not to listen to it. Even though I may hear a new song and be interested/emote all over my keyboard- it is a one time thing. I hear a song more than once no matter the type and it is like yeah ok fuck this. (same with movies/games)

    Now I don’t care but the whole following people have with musicians/sports teams just makes me give aw fuck man sigh how sad these people are. Throw in the fact that most of these celebrities are such pompous pricks anyhow. You hear all about them going broke and the horrors of their plush little lives and millions go awwww (you make a million dollars on a given day dozens of times a year and EVER need for anything you deserve to die out as a very weak dodo bird that you are) People in africa live off a single buck and work their asses off. You can’t make do with a million times that which only required you to use your emotions or dr. seuss swearing in the case of rap. The bitch went down on my one eyed crown now the itch be gettin me down. uhhh

    Anyways so help me god if my neighbors play one more country song or I hear one more rap song playing so loud you know the people in the car are going to be deaf I am going to find the brown noise from southpark and make these sorry people shitthemsleves to death. Shit in shit out and good riddance.

  14. 14
    The Pianist on 25 Oct 2009 #

    You Should Listen To classical Music especially from romantic period.You will find heaven.

  15. 15
    The Pianist on 25 Oct 2009 #

    No Music,No Life.Without music your life will be empty.You are a bit Childish.

  16. 16
    Little Timmy Threeballs on 7 Dec 2009 #

    Yes yes,
    And everyone who commented here also sucks fully including myself as we are additionally expressing subjective (and creative) opinions, so we should probably all just go and not-listen-to-music while waiting to die.

    I strongly disagree with everything on this page including my own comment.

    We should all just go and stroke our futile genitals in a corner, until our masturbations erupt in an orgasmic outburst of death.

    I could have been writing music instead of writing this.

  17. 17
    SethPutnam on 18 Aug 2010 #

    YALL NEED MORE ANAL CUNT IN YOUR EARS THEN. ALSO HITLER WAS A SENSITIVE MAN.

  18. 18
    lonepilgrim on 19 Aug 2010 #

    I’m tired of seeing this ^^^ on the front page

  19. 19
    Hadley on 21 Sep 2010 #

    ” No Music,No Life.Without music your life will be empty.You are a bit Childish “. Wow. That is the most disgusting, juvenile, teenage, pathetic, addict thing i’ve ever heard in my life. Really? Arranged sound is what gives life it’s joy? Without it, everything is empty? You sound like a fuckin’ Heroin addict. Only you replaced Heroin with music. I legitimately never gave the slightest of fuck about music ever. Some sounds okay. Rarely something will sound legitimately good. But i’ve never ever ever ever ever actively gone out of my way to try and listen to something. Because quite frankly, it’s just not significant to me. It’s escapist entertainment that I don’t give a fuck about. Life has plenty of glory and extravagance without music, otherwise everyone who is deaf would commit suicide. Grow the fuck up. Nobody legitimately likes music. They like bragging about bands and shit. They’ve turned it into the equivalent of trading cards.

  20. 20
    Vichy on 13 Apr 2011 #

    Hadley, thank you for this comment. Epic win.

  21. 21
    Joannajoanna on 23 Jul 2011 #

    I hate music as well. My plan is to create my own religion, then when millions follow, come out to say how I made up the entire thing. Pathetic.

  22. 22
    Music Hater on 28 Oct 2011 #

    Interesting site. I agree with your opinion that all music is pointless. I take it a step further and say that all art is pointless. It’s just people thinking that their “expression” is so important, that other people should see/hear it. I’m sick of pretentious “artists” thinking that they are so important. I threw my life away as a musician. Paying for my college degree in music, trying to “make it” in the real world…it’s a joke. Who cares about music? It’s all so pointless. It’s led so many astray. All the little kids walking around all day with their ear buds, being brainwashed by “art.” Silence is golden. I wish music did not exist. There is not much I wouldn’t give to be able to go into a store and not hear an aural onslaught of “music.” Ok, I’m done.

  23. 23
    A Valid Opinion on 23 Dec 2011 #

    I completely agree that music is the most pointless load of shit ever! Let’s analyse what music is there for. People claim that music (and art as well) helps express people’s feelings and reassures them that other people are feeling the same way as they do.
    Firstly, music isn’t the expression of your emotions, their someone else’s. You can express your own feelings and emotions by living your life and impacting the world. You feel like someone else is sharing your feeling? … Of course they fucking are don’t be so narrow minded! There are 7 billion people on this planet of course at least one person will feel the same way as you do. I view music more as a tool of isolation and discrimination as more people disagree on music than they do agree. This therefore creates groups and different types of people whose image is based upon the rubbish they listen to. Now don’t get me wrong, i agree music may have it’s upsides. But effectively it is a space filler and is used to kill awkward silences and avoid true social interaction, but maybe what you should do instead of putting on music to avoid talking to people you should do the opposite!
    Stop moping around thinking that this sad song is describing the story of your life! Stop shouting meaningless words as fast as you can thinking this makes you cool. Stop sitting around listening to violins and orchestras thinking that you are sophisticated when really you’re a stuck up pretentious snob! No-one truly enjoys music! Everyone who has ever said music is your life, grow up and start living one.

  24. 24
    sma on 11 Feb 2012 #

    i thought i was the only one who thought music sucks. its nice to know that others are like me. all they do is talk about garbage. sex, drugs, parties, women and half of them can’t sing. its so corny. i can’t believe people buy that shit. its sucks to know that these people are millionaires.

  25. 25
    you suck on 26 Mar 2013 #

    commenter 23 you are retarded, you are more pretentious than anyone else

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