ALL MUSIC SUCKS
ALL MUSIC SUCKS
Face it, every single note of music ever committed to paper, vinyl, CD, zeroes and ones sucks harder than Linda Lovelace in a sucking competition with a black hole. There is absolutely nothing going for music. It just plain sucks.
“Wait a minute? How can you say that Tanya?” I hear you all cry. “Why bother slagging off all those other bands and genres if you’re just going to say that all music plain sucks?” I hear you whimper. “Where’s your bloody evidence?” I hear you scream.
Well, the answers to these are staring you right in the face. Go on, just turn on your radio and listen to the aural abuse that eminates from it. I hate it, you hate it, but somebody does like it. Well, fuck em, is what I say, because for every person that likes something, there is definitely more than one person who despises it, thus creating a negative utility whereby all music must suck.
You may not agree with my simple utilitarian values, but the proof is there for you all to see. All bands, artists, classical composers (ESPECIALLY classical composers!) suffer from this utility vacuum. It is inescapable. You can’t please everyone, but this inability of musicians is why they suck. They should be able to please everyone. It’s their job to! If they can’t do this, then they just suck.
You can probably prove it by induction too, but having been left up the junction by my maths teacher, then I’d fall flat on my arse if I even tried. Much like those pesky musicians who think they’re good, but ain’t pleasing me.
Look, if you were a bad chef who displeased more people than you pleased with the food you cooked, you’d get the sack. If your food killed more people who ate it than those that survived (a vivid, but totally plausible situation I might add), then you’d been looking for another form of employment.
All musicians suck. They’re just plain bad. Now I’m no journalist, I’m just a cultural commentator who happens to have a penchant for hating music. But, if I was a bad journalist who pissed off more people than I pleased, then I’d be out on a…..actually, no, I’d still have my job.
Music is just bad. All of it sucks. Whether you prove it by utilitarian values, induction, the theory of relativity, or by complex differential equations, you can’t escape the bottom line that it sucks, and there is nothing that can save it. It just sucks.
I just saw Titanic, and that sucks. Therefore, all films must suck too. In fact, everything just sucks. EVERYTHING. The universe especially. Everything and everyone sucks. Yah-Boo Sucks!
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Julian Germain on August 24th, 2006
everyone is always asking me what kind of music I listen to. It’s pissing me off, because all music DOES suck. I hate it more every day. It’s all a conspiracy, to get people to BUY music, and the music they buy forces them to listen to MORE music. And they keep buying MORE…
person on October 26th, 2006
You should listen to simple plan I think they write songs for people like you
Pretentious fag on October 26th, 2006
Yeah you suck you pretentious bitch
Lenoxus on December 15th, 2006
I’d been getting very frustrated by the number of Netizens making sweeping generalizations about country & western (a genre that I find has its merits just like any other), and this made my week. Thank you.
Culebra on December 22nd, 2006
I am a musician. And I agree with your sentiment. As it happens, I was sitting writing some crap or other and this theory poured out of me. Stream of conciousness stylee. Anyhoo, here it is:
If religion is opium for the masses, then, music is the church of choice. It is clearly the dominant religion of our generation. For what could invoke such die-hard loyalty, such mindless dedication, such worshipful obsession? What can cause individuals of all walks of life to submit to their life in service of the real gods of this world? It’s the quintessential MO of a good religion. Even those who believe that they are railing against the system, moving counter to
culture - are in fact inhabiting a space they cannot escape from. Do they really think that by being punk and saying ‘Bush is a dickhead’ they can change the inexorable forces in the world? Can they fuck. Music leads them to think they can. If it could, why isn’t there a Jello Biafra heading for the US Senate? Why isn’t Johnny Rotten sitting in the House of Commons? Bush and the people that control him can’t hear you, fool. Whether it be Britney or AMEN, music keeps us in our place. I know this because I am a devotee, a missionary, a preacher, a pusher, a junkie. We are all so busy striving to get to the good times (through our soundtrack of preference) that we have lost the ability to believe that we can change the world for better. There are a lot more of us than there are of the ones in control, yet here we are, waiting for Saturday night so that we can Listen to, dance to, perform, and generally lose ourselves at the altar of music. We don’t bother with spiritual notions because our spirit is filled with music, and hell, hasn’t science disproved the idea of God with it’s wondrous theory of evolution? Wow. Really? Do we actually know it ALL? Funny, I’ve heard some pretty prominent
scientists declaring that to believe the theory of evolution takes about as much faith as it does to believe in God - because so many crucial cogs in the machinery of evolution remain a total mystery (Kind of like, well, God). But that’s okay folks we don’t need to dig any deeper because we have MUSIC to absorb our time and minds. I want to believe that music can be a force for good. But how can it? Can you imagine the head of some multinational corporation sitting down and listening to the ‘Lacrymosa’ by Mozart and deciding to plough every penny his company has into feeding the poor (which
would be easy with all that money)? Nah. He’ll pop into his childs room with a wistful look and watch it sleeping. That’s all. Music has no power in the real world. It just makes people want to look, sound and be like their musical heroes. Their prophets and saints. It will never mobilise an entire nation to stand against their government. It will fulfil the same purpose that the Catholic church did when created in the 4th century by Constantine and his Cronies, that is, make everyone fall in line and be controllable, be they Pagans or Christians… or Dance-heads or Goths or Mods… How can
Music save us? Only in the same way that Religion can. It can save us internally, in our minds. It can give us hope, faith. But faith in what? Faith in the fact that there will be more music tomorrow? Well, yes. But imagine taking music away altogether. We would have no choice but to pursue other avenues of thought. Maybe spend the time doing the research that proves the existance of God or the Veracity of Evolution. Perhaps we would all talk to each other and find a way to depose the people that squash us into their service instead of working shitty jobs so that we can buy an ipod. Holy shit, we’re so fucked.
Aaron on November 6th, 2007
you’re a living joke
Lenoxus on January 16th, 2008
“Hasn’t science disproved the idea of God with it’s wondrous theory of evolution?”
You’re correct — it hasn’t. To say that evolution “disproves” God does Him an enormous disservice, because it assumes that His most important job is being the universe’s fine-tuning engineer, which, IMHO, kind of misses the forest for the trees. Does a round earth, or people who live past 70 years, “disprove” the Bible, or is the Bible more importantly about morals and wonder and stuff like that? (In any case, something like God could never be “disproved” anyway, as one can’t universally prove a negative.)
To address your point about music-as-religion, it seems to me that this can be said of anything and everything sufficiently popular. If mathematics was something that instinctively drove us all wild, it would be similarly religious for us to practice.
“Can you imagine the head of some multinational corporation sitting down and listening to the ‘Lacrymosa’ by Mozart and deciding to plough every penny his company has into feeding the poor?” No, but, um, that’s kind of a liability of every single phenomenon in the world, short of the threat of violence. (Unless you count a sufficiently bad classical song as… the threat of violins! Sorry, I couldn’t help myself.)
Ultimately, it seems that you’re finding music to be guilty of being just one thing, with all the trappings and limitations of being a thing, and hence a distractor from “what really matters.” Yet apparently you and I and all of us decided that this silly old blog post was important enough to discuss years after its publication, for the sheer fun of discussion. What are we doing talking like this? Let’s all get back to work!
Sorry if I sound defensive; I really don’t mean to. I should mention that I sincerely admire your devotion to the greater good, to saving the world from itself, so to speak. Keep fighting the good fight! I’ll be right there with you all!
Nick Niesen on September 15th, 2008
I agree entirely. Music sucks.
I am a musician, technology has made so many leaps and bounds people are finding it hard to keep up. Given, I’ve made the concious decision to get caught up, keep up, and get ahead just as soon as my brain can wrap itself around all the new information. Fortunately, I’m a fast learner.
I don’t want to go too far into detail here. I’m just glad I found someone that agrees with me. I say it all the time, I don’t like music and I think everything that has been coming out sucks.
f u on October 15th, 2008
classical composers? HA! You don’t get it! YOU DON’T GET IT! All music above is bullshit except that which defined humanities greatness. Classical is THE most complex, simply, elemental, violent, beautiful, otherworldly artistic creation ever conceived by western civilization. If you don’t agree, you are wrong and that’s that. AND YOU, you stupid pink whore, don’t deserve to hear the notes that were wept for your sad ass.