You go away for one weekend and this awaits you when you get back. No, no and a million times no, Sisqo’s “Thong Song” is NOT the best song of the year, you wretched bunch of perverts. He’s a repellent individual who comes on panting like an over-excited dog: put a fire hydrant in a fucking thong and you can bet your life Sisqo would be on its ‘dumps’ in half a second, rutting away until the police come for him. You remember that kid who used to wank off at the back of the class and would dribble and leer when the teacher called him on it? That’s Sisqo.

God knows what you were all thinking, maybe you were thinking that voting for “Thong Song” would make you look like a SEXY BEAST and yet ironic too, rather than a load of rough old embarrassing uncles who probably make jokes about “white meat” at Sunday lunchtimes. As for the production, yes, there is a violin on the track, well goddamn if that’s not radical. Even by the low standards of current R&B (let’s distract the children with funny noises, shall we?), “Thong Song” is lame. Focus Group my entirely thong-free arse! Next time it’s going to be me and a fucking mirror, and it’s going to be a great deal better to boot.

(As for the person who gave Sisqo a zero, don’t think you’re getting off. That rare moment of sanity is entirely counteracted by the fact that you gave ten points to Dead Prez’s grisly “Hip Hop”. Calling a “Hip Hop” song “Hip Hop” is like writing L and R on your shoes! At least Sisqo, fool that he is, could probably remember the name of his bastard genre. And what a surprise, they can’t afford a proper bass and had to nick their mums’ vacuum cleaner instead.)