Face it, every single note of music ever committed to paper, vinyl, CD, zeroes and ones sucks harder than Linda Lovelace in a sucking competition with a black hole. There is absolutely nothing going for music. It just plain sucks.

“Wait a minute? How can you say that Tanya?” I hear you all cry. “Why bother slagging off all those other bands and genres if you’re just going to say that all music plain sucks?” I hear you whimper. “Where’s your bloody evidence?” I hear you scream.

Well, the answers to these are staring you right in the face. Go on, just turn on your radio and listen to the aural abuse that eminates from it. I hate it, you hate it, but somebody does like it. Well, fuck em, is what I say, because for every person that likes something, there is definitely more than one person who despises it, thus creating a negative utility whereby all music must suck.

You may not agree with my simple utilitarian values, but the proof is there for you all to see. All bands, artists, classical composers (ESPECIALLY classical composers!) suffer from this utility vacuum. It is inescapable. You can’t please everyone, but this inability of musicians is why they suck. They should be able to please everyone. It’s their job to! If they can’t do this, then they just suck.

You can probably prove it by induction too, but having been left up the junction by my maths teacher, then I’d fall flat on my arse if I even tried. Much like those pesky musicians who think they’re good, but ain’t pleasing me.

Look, if you were a bad chef who displeased more people than you pleased with the food you cooked, you’d get the sack. If your food killed more people who ate it than those that survived (a vivid, but totally plausible situation I might add), then you’d been looking for another form of employment.

All musicians suck. They’re just plain bad. Now I’m no journalist, I’m just a cultural commentator who happens to have a penchant for hating music. But, if I was a bad journalist who pissed off more people than I pleased, then I’d be out on a…..actually, no, I’d still have my job.

Music is just bad. All of it sucks. Whether you prove it by utilitarian values, induction, the theory of relativity, or by complex differential equations, you can’t escape the bottom line that it sucks, and there is nothing that can save it. It just sucks.

I just saw Titanic, and that sucks. Therefore, all films must suck too. In fact, everything just sucks. EVERYTHING. The universe especially. Everything and everyone sucks. Yah-Boo Sucks!