following the actually not great time i had last year (PLEASE, someone take forward the supporters trust idea with my blessing), i have comprehensively and unequivically sworn off going to glastonbury this year (it will be the first one i’ve missed since 1995), but for those of you still interested, it’s the same registration process as last year (pound to a penny that they extend it past the end of february again as well), no doubt with the same passing on of emails to mean fiddler to cross promote events.
Jay-Z, waterproof trousers not pictured
but, hey, good news for all the “teens” out there who have been staying away in droves over the last few years as the site has filled with 30-something middle managers like me, Michael (or MC ME (OBE) to his “homies” in the pilton ‘hood) has got some exciting news:

I’m putting on a black American headliner, who’s absolutely terrific that’s going to appeal to those people.

so if you are “those people” i’m sure you’ll have a lovely time. Speculation is RIFE about who this person might be, from Little Stevie Wonder to Natalie Cole, but we can EXCLUSIVELY reveal that one major star has, in fact, attended Glastonbury previously, although he did encounter a few challenges or, some might say, “problems”, which we list for you below:

· Jay-Z’s gold chain has fallen off in the mud in front of a portaloo.
· Jay-Z would like some real ale but it’s a 20 minute walk to the workers beer tent by the acoustic stage and by the time he gets there Nas will be doing his acoustic set and might diss him on stage.
· Jay-Z has tripped over a guyrope.
· Jay-Z has forgotten to bring a tin opener
· Jay-Z has camped next to a group of young people who’ve kept him up all night with their n1tr0us-related antics
· Jay-Z can’t decide whether to see Billy Bragg on the acoustical stage or Stewart Lee in the comedy tent
· Jay-Z has a bit of a dicky tummy from eating a dodgy spring roll
· Nas has stolen Jay-Z’s wellies
· Jay-Z is unable to pitch his tent anywhere other than right next to the New Bands tent.
· Jay-Z has been queuing for a cashpoint for 25mins now and is only half way down the queue and is in desperate need of a wee.
· Jay-Z’s mobile phone battery is dead and he’s not sure where is friends are and the only alternative is standing around vainly near the Other Stage mixing desk while Mika is playing.
· Jay-Z has forgotten the words to “Ticket To Wine”
· The bottom bit has come off of Jay-Z’s dadstool.
· Jay-Z has just run into his ex’s new other half who is really nasty to him, and he has to go back to his tent for a cry
· Jay-Z is relying on Twitter to meet up with his friends.
· Jay-Z can’t decide if it is worse to have soaking wet legs or risk Nas seeing him wear his sensible waterproof trousers.
· Jay-Z’s Dad stool has a bent leg.
· Jay-Z has been waiting for the coach for four hours in the rain when the single person in charge of all of the London lines gives an ambiguous instruction, and the already tentative queue collapses altogether and turns into an angry scrum.
· Jay-Z has just finished his second two litre bottle of perry

the “what are Jay-Z’s 99 problems?” game was invented by several of your FT regulars at a delightful boutique festival we attended last summer, and is an hilarious way to spend the rest of your life an hour or two, please feel free to add more glastonbury-related problems in the comments box