FOR GOD’S SAKE SHUT UP
There are a lot of hymns out there. They come in big fat books that I only ever see when I go to weddings. If they stayed like that, I reckon I could tolerate them – merely as the bad devotional poetry they are. The[…]

When he’s consciously “English”, at least he doesn’t jump around telling us so, falling over himself in his enthusiasm to inform us how removed he is from those nasty, quasi-black-American rock’n’roll johnnies of t[…]

JOHN CAGE
John Cage, so his fans will insist on telling me, was a musical pioneer. Without him, music as we know it wouldn’t exist. As such, he is a complete bastard.
If Cage could be forgiven one thing, it would undoubtedly be the fact that wi[…]

MUSIC WITH STUPID TITLES THAT MY PSEUDO-INTELLECTUAL WORKMATE SHOWED ME LAST NIGHT
Last night I went to a workmate’s house for a dinner party. Fine, thought I, it can’t be so bad. That was, until he broke out the music of the shameless: j[…]

SONGS BASED ON THAT GAME OF FOOTBALL THEY HAD ON CHRISTMAS DAY BETWEEN THE TRENCHES DURING WORLD WAR ONE
Pretty specific that one Tanya, I hear you cry. How many can there be, for such a footnote in military history. Well, as is the case whenever Eng[…]

HOW COULD I FORGET?
Quite easily, as usual. Andy Summers had one brief flush of glory before fading into shelf-stacking resentment. Oh yes. He recorded an album, you see – an ‘experimental’ album, if you will – with Robert Fri[…]

CALL THE COPS
Photofit-alike Sting has a voice like the air being slowly let out of a balloon.
Stewart Copeland has been responsible for the soundtracks of some of the most awful films ever made – Good Burger, Rapa Nui, Highlander 2 (The Quick[…]

FIRST I WAS AFRAID, I WAS PETRIFIED – or how to leave a party with dignity in tact
Well Gloria, it?s a crying shame this fear did not manifest itself as much-deserved stage-fright on account of your shockingly bad cabaret act, or in fact, liter[…]

IHM LYRIC WATCH 3
‘I’m your worst nightmare squared
That’s times two for those not mathematically aware’: Common feat Canibus
Here comes Common, lording it down the street because he got ten out of ten in his first grade math[…]

JONI MITCHELL – Skooldaze
If Joni Mitchell was actually any good, you would think her record company would get a proper sleeve artist in to paint her album covers. When you look at her self penned efforts you see clearly the danger of telling a[…]