Photofit-alike Sting has a voice like the air being slowly let out of a balloon.

Stewart Copeland has been responsible for the soundtracks of some of the most awful films ever made – Good Burger, Rapa Nui, Highlander 2 (The Quickening), Men at Work – not to mention the Edward Woodward schedule-filling TV series The Equaliser.

Plus Andy Summers, notable only for being the least well known member of the band, who was last seen working as a binman in Dorking. No need to dial 999, the Police are here already.

It takes either a true genius or a deluded nob to come up with such mindblowingly poor album names as Zenyatta Mondatta, Outlandos d?Amour (?), Ghost in the Machine and (my favourite) Reggatta de Blanc.

If he is reading, I?ve got a Message In A Bottle for Sting – only this time the message IS the bottle, broken and hurtling towards Gordon?s head at gathering pace. Unquestionably, this rent-a-Geordie has produced some utter crap during his solo career but his work with the Police really takes the biscotti. This is music written by the lyrically subnormal. Case in point – Walking on the Moon. Here?s an early draft:

Giant steps are what you take
Walking on the moon
I hope my legs don?t break
Walking on the moon
I?d like to eat some cake
Walking on the moon
Hope I don?t fall in a lake

The Police?s early work consisted of the kind of chugging, turgid cod-reggae that UB40 would have thought twice about committing to vinyl (before committing it to vinyl). Worryingly, their more mature (i.e. bankable) work is to the early 1980s what their lookalike band Dodgy were to the 1990s.

Young Sting trained and worked as a teacher (NB: non-Music) and he drew upon these experiences for the frankly terrible tune Don?t Stand So Close To Me. This song was first noticed by the nation when it reached No 1 in 1980. However, it is more appropriately remembered as the theme to the “Body Mist” deodorant advert of the mid-eighties. Sales of Body Mist plummet. Shares in RightGuard are never higher. May I remind you of the closing couplet:

It’s no use, he sees her, he starts to shake and cough
Just like the old man in that book by Nabakov

This lovely subtle reference reminds me that Sting was an English teacher. Police completists will no doubt be pleased to hear that his songs based on Lord of the Flies, The Turbulent Term of Tyke Tyler and Goodnight Mister Tom have been collected and will be available shortly.