John Cage, so his fans will insist on telling me, was a musical pioneer. Without him, music as we know it wouldn’t exist. As such, he is a complete bastard.

If Cage could be forgiven one thing, it would undoubtedly be the fact that with 4′ 33″ he produced the one piece of music I could possibly bear to listen to. It is completely silent.

Surely, Tanya, I hear you say, you can’t find anything bad to say about silence? Well, no. But 4′ 33″ isn’t silence; it’s silent music. Apart from being utterly pointless, it’s such a waste of the beautiful peace. I can sit in silence in my flat, but that doesn’t mean that a load of pompous idiots in ridiculous suits and snooty bints in cocktail dresses would want to come and listen to me making absolutely no noise. Why? Because it’s NOT EVEN MUSIC!!!

I hate music. I also hate music without music.

By the way, Cage is celebrated for inventing turntablism. Twat.