I was a little bit distracted by Crispian’s screams to enact my very clever plan of escape straight away, so I decided to feign sleep for a while. When I woke Elvis was strutting around look very unhappy.
“What’s up Presley. Still d[…]

We were caught in a trap.
We could not walk out.
But it was nothing to do with love, baby. Just that fucking Federal Agent Elvis Presley, who believed that myself and Crispian had the secret to hyper-advanced alien technology in our brains. Surely th[…]

We were led, in the dark, into an underground encampment. Once inside it had all the set design nouse of a rubbish mid eighties James Bond film. You know , the ones that had themes by no mark pop bands like Duran Duran or A-Ha. The only eighties Bond[…]

Nashville was as horrific as I expected. You could smell the rotten, fetid, stench of country music. People have often asked me how something which is composed of sound can have a smell. Maybe I have an advanced form of synesthesia, but to me all mus[…]

Turns out that flophouses don’t exist any more either. Frankly the sooner I get out of the US the better. It is not like the movies. Except from the fact music is playing all the time. We managed to wangle a room at a lodging house near the tra[…]

It took half an hour of drinking before we were rudely interrupted by the sound of helicopters overhead. As loathe as I am to admit it, it appears that Crispian was right. There seemed to be some sort of massive inter-agency conspiracy to take us int[…]

Day 31: Charleston
AROUND THE WORLD IN 80 LOUSY TUNES
Agent Turner turned out not exactly to be Mister Conversation. As soon as me and Crispian got in the black limousine with its darkened out windows he did not say a word. Just played with his gun w[…]

Day 30: Philadelphia Freedom
AROUND THE WORLD IN 80 LOUSY TUNES
Oh the vagaries of the law. Apparently landing a giant alien spacehopper in the middle of Philadelphia is against a number of local ordinances and state statues. Really: these colonials […]

Day 29: Philadelphia
AROUND THE WORLD IN 80 LOUSY TUNES
According to a local bystander it was like watching a giant orange streak across the sky, ie a bit like Rod Stewart being fired out of a cannon. It was certainly accurate as we were in a giant o[…]

Day 28: Down To Earth
AROUND THE WORLD IN 80 LOUSY TUNES
Crispian had spent the rest of his day in Deftu’s citadel trying to work out how we were going to return to Earth. In between fixing me up some slap up means and drinking much of the rest[…]