IF I WAS A FUCKER
There is one hymn, though, that I hate more than any other, more even than the one Fat Les did. That hymn is not often sung in church, for the reason that the parish budget won’t often stretch to a guitar synthesiser and hexagonal syndrums. I am speaking, of course, of “Hymn” by Ultravox.
Were Ultravox trying to write a real hymn, I wonder? I suggest not. For they, like me, had realised that “hymn” is merely a synonym for “turgid pompous arsebitery”. The Ultravox barrel is a particularly well-scraped bit of carpentery (now one worn with shoulder-straps by Bumfluff King M.Ure, if there’s any justice), but truly the band’s collective nails must have been worn to the quick after they pulled out “Hymn”. “Give us this day, all that we should need” intones Ure. Hmm? Some new drum programs? A foot or so extra in height? A mighty kick in the bollocks? No. What Ultravox seem to think they need is an interminably horrible treated-guitar solo, much as appears on every other Ultravox track when it’s time for the ‘passionate bit’. Quite why the Lord has to intercede to provide this I’ve not fully understood. The single sleeve boasted a pair of compasses, perhaps to imply that the Creator’s Great Design included Ultravox, when in fact the band were merely a drop of greasy fat dropped from a heavenly kebab onto the Divine Blueprint and then clumsily wiped off with a big white sleeve.