JANET JACKSON - “Runaway”

JANET JACKSON - “Runaway”

Everyone has a “dreary day” song; something that gets played on those days when you’re feeling down or slightly under the weather and you need a pick-me-up. This is one of the few songs Janet has recorded that panders to her gossamer-thin voice; any more muscle on the verses or chorus would turn the shimmer into an insufferable bludgeoning mess. Add to this the interweaving between the xylophone and sitar lines and the absolutely GORGEOUS backing harmonies (a wonderful duet between Janet and Pro Tools that uses the tinny reverb of mid 90s auto-tune to create the happiest choirbot in the world) and I can’t even remember the inconsequential thing that was weighing me down.

“Didn’t quite hit the note, that wasn’t such a good time” Aw, come here and snuggle with me, you precious little thing!

DA BAND - “Bad Boy This, Bad Boy That”

DA BAND - “Bad Boy This, Bad Boy That”

Imagine you are an R&B singer. Imagine that you’ve been trying for a while to get your big break and have had limited success, but haven’t really blown up the way you’d like to. Imagine that you discover that “Making The Band 2″ will feature auditions for a new hip-hop group on Bad Boy Records, a group whose career will be managed by P. Diddy himself. Imagine leaving your husband and child behind and auditioning for the show. Imagine getting into the group!

Imagine realizing that you’re going to be stuck in a house away from your family for several months while your group records its first album. Imagine getting caught in the middle of a ton of fights between immature alpha males jockeying for top position within the group and the ever-present spectre of your domineering husband. Imagine being asked to sing like Ashanti, Beyonce, Mary J Blige, [insert hot female singer of the day here, except of course Lumidee because everyone knows baby couldn't carry a tune in a paper bag]. Imagine getting dumped on by the other woman in the group because she sees your role solely as “singing the hook”. Imagine finding out that your group’s kickoff single doesn’t even have you on it.

Thank God they picked such a hot song to kick things off, otherwise you might start to think that all of the stress and drama wasn’t worth it.

JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE - “Senorita”

JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE - “Senorita”

I’m kind of at a loss for words here. I’ve made ripping JT into one of my favorite online activities, but now I’m presented with a song that minimizes the things I hate about his singing (the overabuse of his nasal tone being the top culprit) combined with the hottest Neptunes beat since “When The Last Time” and a tune that I actually want to sing along with. Sure, he tosses a bone to my hateful core by including a woefully dire call-and-response section near the end, but the damage is done by that point; any gorge that rises at that point is swept away by the summery breeziness off the preceding three minutes.

ALBUM REVIEW: Poem-Cees -

ALBUM REVIEW: Poem-Cees - PARANOIA

I put the headphones on and lean back. Jagged guitar assaults my ears and fear grips me as I hear the harrowing opening litany. THEY ARE OUT TO GET ME.
The beat kicks in. We’re in party mode, but things are still unsettled. I can’t find the bling, only corrupt cops and incompetent middle management. They tell me I can’t see, but I’m trying.

Children playing forms the background for child abuse while the world’s most shimmery keyboard patch puts a glossy, confectionery coating on getting to close to the seedy streets. I’m remided of all the things I need to fear again, but I nod my head to the rugged drums and shout along: “WE AIN’T SCARED OF YOU!”

A tender case of commitement jitters turns into all-out mad-dog frothing over blatant infidelities. This in turn takes us to a mythical land where every lady is a little bit mocha, a little bit latte and a whole lot of DAMN! (Of course, we have to look over our shoulders to make sure the female friends can’t see us rubber-necking.)

The storm clouds brew again as the POWERS THAT BE breathe down our necks and pull our strings; Joe Theisman to the rescue! At the end all I can say is “blah blah blah”; I’m completely spent.

Hands shaking, I take the headphones off, wipe the sweat from my brow, and press play again. It’s just that good.

Don’t let this album pass you by; you can’t afford not to hear it.

CHRISTINA AGUILERA - “Soar”

CHRISTINA AGUILERA - “Soar”

Okay, yes, it’s a cheesy motivational ballad. Anyone with a strong reaction to the Dianne Warren school of songwriting should just check out right now because I could type for several years and not change your mind one little bit.

The rest of us will be completely grooving on this song, though. There’s this odd phenomenon I’m noticing with the songs from _Stripped_; the songs fit too well together on the album, to the point where outside of a few exceptions, the become a shapeless blur of Xtina-song. Played individually outside of the context of the album, they’re all arresting and beautiful. This song in particular has an amazing bridge that leads into an absolutely stellar vamp section with full-on gospel choir, hand clapping, violins and acoustic guitars, and an F# that’s the best high note I’ve heard on a pop song since early Mariah rocked out on that B in “Vision of Love”.

JOHN MAYER — ‘Your Body Is a Wonderland’ (redirect for the prosecution)

If he’s so full of poetic wonder and awe, why does he sing these lyrics like he’s reading an encyclopedia? What woman is going to be flattered by having lecherous lyrics unemotionally intoned at her by someone who gives the impression that they’d rather be watching football than sing to her as she stretches out naked on the bed before him?

(Further discussion should probably happen in the comments or on ILXOR, I’m guessing.)

JOHN MAYER - “Your Body Is A Wonderland”

JOHN MAYER - “Your Body Is A Wonderland”

I decided this morning that i would take on the following challenge; I’d pick a song I didn’t particularly like and write about it without going off on a ranting screed. Dear readers, if only you knew how hard this is for me! Even now, I sit here with finger trembling, every nerve in my body aching to type invective and derision as if I was psyching myself up for a pit fight. But NO I SHALL NOT SUCCUMB.

So, this song has been making its way up the top 40 for some time now. What can you really say about it? John Mayer has a passable singing voice, I guess; he doesn’t hit any wrong notes, even though his nasal burr is slightly less soothing than having porcupine quills lovingly stuck in you arms by an evil witch- WOAH I am breaking my rules. Let’s try this again.

To Mr. John Mayer: Really, would it have killed you to invest some energy in the song? From what I can tell, the fact that this lovely lady’s body is a wonderland laid out for your enjoyment excites you as much as looking up the oil company in the phone book. Everything about the song screams “safe middlebrow music”. There’s no bite, no hook, no ANYTHING for the listener to engage with besides vaguely pleasant, forgettable guitar and vaguely unpleasant, forgettable singing. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard this song, partially because they play it to death on Boston morning radio (and BOY do I regret that our bathroom radio is stuck on KISS 108), but mostly because despite the countless times I’ve heard it, I only have a vague recollection of how it goes. All I really remember is deep irritation and pain while it’s playing; once it’s over, I find myself somewhat puzzled as to why I was so irritated. Perhaps I should give the song points for giving some insight into what it’s like to live the life of the main character of “Memento”, but I’d much rather hope and pray that I never ever ever ever ever ever ever EVER had to hear it again.

Things I’ve learned by listening to

Things I’ve learned by listening to AT40 with my wife:

- Dirty songs sound better when you hear them on the way to church (”Girl Talk”, “Dirrty”).
- Creed has no redeeming features whatsoever (this was more confirmation rather than something new).
- The right lyrics can win someone over to a musical style that is normally avoided by the plague, even if it is only for that song (”Lifestyles Of The Rich And Famous”)
- Kid Rock is a better singer than Eminem AND Sheryl Crow.
- Kelly Clarkson may be the sweetest girl on the face of the earth, but “A Moment Like This” needs to GO GO GO GO GO.
- Despite the best attempts of marketing geniuses across the country, Americans like Kelly more than Beyonce. AS THEY SHOULD.
- Mariah Carey is still enough of a star to get pity airplay.
- Nelly has completely lost it. I really hope he’s invested well.
- Avril Levigne should stick to ballads.
- One of the guys in The Calling left that band to join his brother’s band, Lifehouse. Sonic similarities between the two begin to make sense.
- Madonna needed to go all creepy-robot-alien to get another top 10 hit. God bless her.
O-Town have turned recycling Backstreet Boys material into a science.
- If people really understood how impressive it is when Michelle Branch floats the “WHYYYY-Y-Y-Y” part of “The Game Of Love” so effortlessly, there’d be a lot less criticism of her.

BLUR - “Don’t Drop The Bomb When You’re The Bomb”

BLUR - “Don’t Drop The Bomb When You’re The Bomb”

Hmm. It’s not electro, it’s not indie rock, it’s not house, it’s not pop, it’s not coherent or consistent, it’s not techno; I could probably go on and on listing all of the things this odd little white-label release isn’t. Tons and tons of people are going to hate it because, well, it’s bizarre. All it really is is a loud bass note repeated for three minutes while various sound effects and drum patterns drop in and out. Of course, I think it’s fantastic; the world needs more of this type of dubby, droney rhythm-fuck nonsense, particularly from the artists who have “made it”. Damon Albarn may be irritating beyond belief but I fully support his efforts to capture the sound of paranoid schizophrenia on DAT.

JENNIFER LOPEZ FEATURING JADAKISS & STYLES - “Jenny From The Block”

JENNIFER LOPEZ FEATURING JADAKISS & STYLES - “Jenny From The Block”

OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP.