One fabulous reader suggested to me that NYLPM run, for its American readers and those Brits who affect not to be interested in the Top 40, a weekly column on the charts. So here it is:

POP-EYE: 1/10/00

Actually a frankly inauspicious week for the first Pop-Eye and for the UK Top 40, as Mariah Carey And Westlife‘s pestilent rendition of “Against All Odds” clings to the top like cancer in a lung. Roll those words around your addled Monday brains. Mariah Carey: arch-criminal of over-inflected soulpop, least memorable ‘diva’ of all time. Westlife: the sound of suet, and judging by their chubby faces the taste of suet to boot. “Against All Odds”: grisly post-split fightback ballad written by bald arsehole.

Not only are all three ingredients in this cake of cack in themselves horrid, they’re also completely incongruous. “Against All Odds” is a song based around one man’s struggle to rekindle a dying love (gag), i.e. it isn’t obviously designed to work as a duet, let alone a sextet. And Westlife, mere slips of lads, don’t suit the song either, having not known the weight of grief required to fully interpret Collins’ hem hem moving words (other kinds of weight are more familiar to them).

The worst thing about the ‘dog with five dicks’ (thankyou PopBitch) continued dominance is that it keeps “Zombie Nation” by Kernkraft 400 off the top. While this years crop of viral Ibiza imports hasn’t been nearly as malformed as 1999’s, there’s still been precious few tunes which have managed the dancefloor-radio transition and kept their appeal intact. “Zombie Nation”, every bit as dumb as its title suggests, breaks the pattern. A bouncing bassline, a few droning old synths, and nonsensical Teutonic vocals make for one fine piece of pop.

Elsewhere, little to report, because I’ve not heard a lot of it. So “Body Groove” by the Architechs, for instance – no idea even of the genre, and my work PC won’t play the helpful little .ram files the BBC handily provides for jaded fucks like me to make snap judgements on. I do know, though, that “Tell Me” by Mel B is tedious, that “Who Told You” by Reprazent is hectoring and annoying, about a tenth as interesting as his track with Method Man (which is still only half interesting, a nice fractions test to start your week with). Placebo‘s No.19 entry is gratifyingly low: The Beautiful South‘s No.22 placing even more so, with a song of typical eye-popping infuriation (can they be attempting funk? Say it isn’t so.). More happy news: a rapid plunge for Billie, whose “Something Deep Inside” is too slow and too late, a stale fart at pop’s endless party.

The Five Best:
Kernkraft 400 – “Zombie Nation” (2)
Pink – “Most Girls” (7)
Wyclef Jean – “It Doesn’t Matter” (21)
Robbie Williams – “Rock DJ” (23)
Britney Spears – “Lucky” (35)