The Other Day, 1988

Dear Mr D.

In our opinion, we are suckers.

We are most interested in having you for our army, or whatever. We are aware that, in our visualisation of your giving ‘a damn’, you are most likely to say ‘never’. This is possibly due to our being a land that never ourselves gave a damn about a brother, like you or yourself. This is because we never did.

While it may not occur to you at this very minute, please be aware that we, the aforementioned ‘suckers’, have authority in this matter. We are aware of your concerns vis-a-vis sitting in a state pen. However we would point out that as the draft is not legal, while we might criticise you for some crime, the time we will have you cold sweatin’ in your cell is in fact zero days, and it might indeed be said that you are making an enormous fuss about nothing whatsoever. Your claim that as a black man, you can never be a veteran is also open to question: our records indicate that it did little to stop Major-General Colin Powell, or indeed that bloke who was mates with Forrest Gump.

While you may wish to get out, to the point of contemplatin’ a plan on the cell floor, be aware than this thought has in fact been thought before, and was at that point judged unneccessary, since we are not actually arresting you or charging you with anything, and the rest of your song is in reality a feeble paranoid fantasy. Your security, or indeed that of the ‘First World’, is unaffected.

Yours faithfully,
The Government.

P.S.: Please stop calling yourselves “Public Enemy No.1”. Our records indicate that you are in fact Public Enemy No. 278,882, and that only for nicking a large clock from a school area.