Franklyn movie posterJust thinking about it saps me of any pleasant thoughts I might have stored up, but it’s important that I tell you, and that you understand, that you should never, on any account, see this movie.

Here are a few of the reasons why:

1. Much of it takes place in a “fantasy London” where people dress like steampunk superheroes. Not bad per se, but in this case it feels almost supernaturally clichéd, like a movie version of those Hovis bread commercials going back through time—the first five minutes chart every leadenly portentous “dark graphic novel” trope ever conceived.

2. It made me bored of watching Eva Green, and the lovely little downturns of her mouth which temper her ludicrous beauty with sadness—totally unforgiveable. You’re going to watch it now just because I mentioned her, aren’t you? This is how they pull you in. Don’t fall for it. I beseech you.

3. It’s one of those movies which gives you unconnected characters and plot strands for most of its duration, leaving you to guess at the connection. Why do filmmakers think audiences enjoy this?

4. Once you actually guess the twist it is considerably deflating, especially given that it has become the only reason you’ve stayed with it. Some twists open up whole new possibilities—this one closes them all off. I would spoiler it for you right here without warning, just to reduce the chances of you seeing it, but I honestly can’t be bothered to.

5. There is a mysterious janitor who may or may not be God.

So. Franklyn, then. Yikes.