An excellent theory we came up with on Saturday morning: Britpop existed primarily because nobody had invented Big Brother yet. Self-obsessed twentysomething so-called every(wo)men desperate to be catapulted from new town obscurity into short-lived celebrity – for a brief period in the mid-90s they achieved their goal by picking up guitars and knocking out simple pop songs. But now technology has improved, and a grateful nation can gorge on pure wannabe personality without such nasty sonic middlemen. Seriously, though, doesn’t this look like the perfect BB line-up? And if they’d got famous this way you would never have had to hear the records!

Brett – inexperienced bisexual (just like Adele). Moody. Fancies himself.8th
Cerys – Shouty drunk Welsh woman. Nominated every week but the public never seem to tire of her wine-swilling ways.3rd
Damon – in-house romance with Justine! Devious. Meets the fate of all BB lotharios and voted out.7th
Gaz – the sort of cheeky chappie who always wins, curse it. Winner.
Jarvis – campily sensitive house intellectual – clearly a role model for Alex. 2nd
Justine – token posh housemate. In-house romance with Damon but does she fancy Brett?4th
Louise – the other housemates just ‘cant take’ her ‘controversial’ opinions! 10th
Rick – thick, ugly, makes continual dirty jokes. Viewers tear hair out weekly as they are denied the opportunity to vote for him.5th
Skin – Blimey a loud lesbian skinhead! Picked by Channel 4 cos she’s “in your face” in the sure knowledge that viewers will vote her out in week 2 and they’ll have done their bit for ‘diversity’ once more. 9th
Sonya – the one nobody notices is there until nominations start to get a bit tough a week or two before the end.6th

P.S.: This is such an obvious idea that it’s probably been used by the NME or something. I didn’t nick it but apologies if so!
P.P.S.: Tim must go!