I Hate Music

28
Mar 03

ANTI-POP = PRO-WAR

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ANTI-POP = PRO-WAR

I find it most amusing that Ms Dynamite has been twitching around, galvanizing the yoof of today to be against war. Why is she called Ms Dynamite then, if she is anti weapons of mass destruction? No, nothing has been more heartening in these dark days than to see a steam roller driving slowly, steadily but surely over a small mountain of Dixie Chicks CD’s. Knowing that in their out of place comments at a UK gig has destroyed all those tiny weapons of aural destruction otherwise slated to take all the edge out of countyr and soundtrack a middle aged man knocking one out to their cover photo.

No, as sad as I am to say it – the war is good for my campaign against all music. It means all sorts of ambiguous records are banned from the radio (Bandages! by Hot Hot Heat – well it is warm in Iraq). Any Gangsta Rap that refers to weapons is suddenly off of our radio – ie all of it. Not only this but high profile musicians seem to think that they have a responsibility to help educate us about the complexities of the New World Order. Which is great because for all the time they are muppeting about on stage explaining why – you know – war is bad, they aren’t making music. And even when they do they have alienated some of their audience for their crass over simplifications. Ah how I long for the days of John Lennon’s bed-in, it was impossible for him to make a record like Destroying All My Fucking Karma when he was under a duvet.

War – what is it good for? Stoping music being made and censorship!!!! Yay!!!!

19
Mar 03

I HATE MUSIC RUBBISH SIMILE WATCH

I Hate Music5 comments • 713 views

I HATE MUSIC RUBBISH SIMILE WATCH

MARVIN GAYE – Sexual Healing
Baby, I’m hot just like an oven, I need some Lovin’

Why did Marvin Gaye Snr bust a cap in Marvin Gaye Jnr’s ass? All sorts of rumours abound regarding drugs, infidelity, madness or being on a mission from God (as filtered thru my good self). However what is often forgotten is that Marvin Snr was a grade school English teacher who was spitting mad that Marvin used such a piss poor metaphor in Sexual Healing. Hot just like an oven? What, someone has cranked you up to gas mark five and is about to pop a joint in you. (Actually – looking at it that way…). Oven’s are not sexual objects. They are items of kitchen furniture which would seem awful out of place in the average bedroom. Usually covered in grease, they get significantly hotter than the average lover. Indeed if he were to persist with this line the chorus ought to be:
“When I get that feelin’
I need Mr Muscle Oven Cleaning.”

13
Mar 03

WHY ARE THERE SO MANY MEMBERS OF LAMBCHOP?

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WHY ARE THERE SO MANY MEMBERS OF LAMBCHOP?

In a recent piece I discussed those stupid bands which have more members than revenue – or in the case of My Life Story more members than actual fans. What completely slipped my mind was the strange case of Lambchop. You see Lambchop sound like they only have about five members – and that at a push. Yet a perusal of their sleevenotes will enlighten you to the fact that at any point in time they may well have about twenty members lurking around the stage. So why is this? Here are a selection of possible answers.

a) They are a group of remedial musicians and hence only get to play one note each on their respective instruments. This would explain why their songs are musically quite dour – they end up sticking between six or seven notes, six people on guitar, six on piano.
b) Because the music is so reliant oin its meaningful pauses, they actually employ people just to pause for them, literally playing the John Cage invented instrument the Silencio.
c) It is a new kind of prison invented by the US Department Of Correction to deal with persistent country music offenders.
d) Kurt Wagner talks so quietly, and slowly that by the time hes got round to telling someone that they cant join the band they have already picked up and instrument and started jamming along. All Kurt can do to rectify the situation is unplug them.