BWD adAmong the millions of ways to convince people to buy things, two strategies have really taken off in the last several years. The first is when a product promises to be so great that it will make you literally insane. We’ll get to that one in a bit. For now let’s talk about the other one – when a product promises to play the role of a sex worker in your life.

“Sex sells” of course and the deliberate twinning of products with young women of child-bearing age is the oldest advertising move in the book. But now we’ve got ads that don’t even bother trying to seduce you. If you buy them, they’ll perform, whatever the gender. Just check out this Radisson ad:

Radisson hotel ad

Now before you say, “Oh that’s in Japan; they’re freaky that way”, this is a worldwide campaign. If you’ve flown anywhere in the last few months you’ve probably seen a variation on this. In Stansted there’s a Radisson ad that’s been up for at least a year now that offers a satisfaction guarantee. Why? “Because we love to leave you satisfied.” Phwoar! Radisson is pricey but you always do pay extra for top quality service now don’t you fellas.

Speaking of a “first-class experience”, elsewhere in Stansted you may have run across this ad, for Lavazza coffee:

Lavazza coffee ad

More subtle this time, though just a little – the explicit promise of prostitution starts bleeding into your run-of-the-mill hot-girl-in-an-ad territory – but I think we can see what’s going on here. For starters, this lady is not the pilot as that jacket is clearly too large for her. Perhaps you are the pilot and she’s wearing your clothes? Well no, you’re shuffling gormlessly in Stansted airport waiting for your fucking gate to be announced, you’re definitely not a pilot. So where’s the outfit come from?

Hang on, who’s that in the background? Is that a… dude washing up back there?? Is HE the pilot? In any case, isn’t three something of a crowd in this particular luxury hotel room? If I were the guy washing up I might get a little jealous that the blonde vixen in my bed has assiduously reapplied her makeup and is now smiling devilishly at someone else. Unless, of course, she were a ho.

There’s a Lovefilm ad in the London Tube that asks if you “fancy getting it” from “London’s largest” online DVD shop. “We’re not faking” they say. “It’ll be our pleasure”.

Look if I get that desperate to watch a movie at home I’ve got more self-respect than to PAY for it, don’t I?