Scarlett Johanssen is probably one of the reasons why I shall not be seeing Gurl with Perl & Lost in Trans (shortening names = new roc and rol!). I was getting along perfectly fine with the idea of Bill Murray getting confused about how to open a ramune bottle in that there Japan, and Vermeer? I would have given him a chance. After all, I like Edam and Leerdammer (petrifying website alert) so why not? However after maximum exposure to wibbling old Johanssen, now all I see whenever I stare at her is someone whose* bottom lip got stuck whilst trying to achieve the trademarked (FOR A REASON SCARLETT!!) Whitney Houston “gob wibble”. Quite frankly the thought of Johannsen bursting into I’m Every Woman halfway through gurning at Mr Vermeer gives me a case of the screaming oopezootics.

*Will one of the many people who has read Eats Shoots and Leaves tell me if my grammar is korrekt? Not that I could give a fig, to be honest. Pip pip!