Sociobiologist Dr. Gene Selfish answers your relationship questions. What’s ‘bugging’ you?

Hey Gene –
What I got goin’ on with my SO is perfect – almost. I’m a pretty tolerant guy, but her kid is driving me nuts. Do I even have to say why, it’s somebody else’s kid! The brat’s dad is pretty shifty as well, he’s never said what he does for a living but he’s always giving the kid expensive shit, which I can’t do, plus I think he’s a refugee or something. Whenever I try to lock him in the closet or whup his ass he just puts on this really punchable smirky face and says “See these eyes? Different color than yours, and I don’t wear contacts neither.” The girlfriend won’t hear a word against him, what do I do? I don’t want to break up with her but this can’t continue, help! – Ain’t the Daddy, Bratislava

Dear Ain’t –
The langlang monkeys of the southern Seychelles might offer a solution. A bit of patience is required here. Try to win the kid’s trust, really slowly, as if you have a choice anyway. However, for reasons that will become clear you can’t wait until he’s too old – patience AND time are both of essence, here. Buy him stuff whenever possible, take his side whenever he fights with Mom, stuff like that. Get him on your side. When you can get close enough, find the soft part of his skull and sink your incisor into it as hard as you can – GS

Hey Gene –
About 15 years ago I used to get loads of pussy but now I don’t get any. Like, I mean at ALL. I used to have this great line which always worked, which was “I’m sterile”. (Side benefit = not having to use fuckin’ condoms either!) These days chicks react like I’m handing out copies of the Watchtower, what happened? I should also mention that I have symptoms of irreversible drug-induced brain damage, is that the big turn-off? – DQ, London

Umm, DQ –
Unless you are R Kelly, I imagine that your circle of potential mates is roughly contemporaneous in age with yourself. If you cannot figure out why your strategy is less effective with 34-yr-olds than with 19-yr-olds then frankly you are too stupid to breed, and also, I for one think you’re full of shit regarding your past activities as well. As for your ‘brain damage’ theory – sorry, lesbians get mail-order sperm from David Crosby, not yourself, so there goes that idea. If I were you and I wanted to make a positive contribution to society, I’d channel my energies researching how many drugs one must take to render social interaction impossible. Get started now. Go on.

Hey Gene –
Not really a relationship question, more general science – are Brian Wilson and E.O. Wilson related? I need to know for a research project I’m doing – C Manson, San Quentin, CA

Hey Charlie –
Don’t worry, it’s a common mistake everyone makes, as people think all scientists look alike, except for Stephen Hawking who’s really Bez from the Happy Mondays. Brian Wilson’s dad ‘Murray Wilson’ was really BF Skinner, who proved beyond doubt that you could raise a family of musical geniuses by removing your glass eye in front of them and making them stare into the socket, and also clouting them repeatedly on the ear to heighten their aural acuity. But keep trying, you got Axl Rose to cover one of your tunes. They laughed at Lysenko too!