PLONKED DOWN IN MAIDA VALE – I had one small glass of BBC white wine last night. I am still feeling the after effects. I think they must make it by getting hold of a loads of toxins, probably scraped from underneath the mixing desks, and fermenting them. The first ill effect was to dry out my normally Sherilyn Fenn-like mouth and throat. Then it gave me a stinking headache. Finally, it caused me to pay a visit to the lavatory.

I offer this information not in a spirit of ingratitude, but as an hommage to the Golden Age of BBC Canteen Jokes, hopefully soon to be released as a 26-DVD box set.