ASPARAGUS EXERTION: bloody hell, they wanted me to suffer for my ANTI-STEAMING comments yesterday, didn’t they now? So I decided to make the ham and soft and cheese and asparagus baked-y things. Yes!

After leaving work FAR TOO LATE, I sprinted to the supermarket (thereby damaging my foot in my lovely new DONKEY shoes) to pick up ham and soft cheese. I had no idea how much I needed, and therefore bought 2 (TWO!) large tubs of FULL LARD PHILADELPHIA and 5 (yes – five!) packets of Cooked Ham. Seven quid the ham alone came to – seven (7) quid!! I’ve cooked cheaper roast dinners! I also managed to find a large bottle of PIMMS on special offer, but more of the tragic story of the Pimms later.

After having spent so much Idiot Money on Idiot Quantities of Ham and Philly – I high-tailed it to Charing X. Whereupon THE WHOLE WORLD DECIDES IT HATES ME! My supermarket bag collapses and my beautiful bottle of Pimms No 1 Cup smashes all over platform 2 at Charing X station. WhAT HAVE I EVER DONE TO YOU, I wail aloud at Charing X, I like Charing X, apart from in the evenings where it’s concourse proves inadequate to cope with all the commuters – but you know, I’ve never cursed at the station in my mind for this!! WHY DO YOU PUNISH ME SO! With tears welling up in my eyes, I point out the spillage to the station attendant. Upon turning back to the train, a commuter decides this will be the time to barge into me and knock me to the platform floor. !!! He does not apologise. I scramble to my feet, and what’s that? The train has JUST closed it’s doors!!

What’s that? This is nothing to do with food anymore? F#ck you, I’m getting to it!!

Anyway, I clamber on the next train and sob all the way home. Once home, I open YOUNGS ELYSIUM BEER. Things suddenly start to improve! Then my company arrives and after a bit of necessary washing up – IT’S TIME FOR THE MEAT. Well, the cooked ham slices, at least. It’s just a SAYING, like.

SO! Using MATHS, we slice the ham diagonally from corner to corner in order to MAXIMISE the amount of asparagus covered. We slater the ham in Philadelhia cream cheese. Before this, I have remembered that I sliced the manky ends off the asparagus too, but surely that’s self-evident. You’re not stupid, are you? Anyway, then we rolled up the asparagus and plonked in a baking tray which we have placed some FOIL dotted with OLIVE OIL. We repeat this until baking tray is full, whack on salt and pepper, cook on about 200 for 15 minutes and then SLATER OUT ONTO PLATES.

I can confirm that the results were BLUDDY GRATE: the cheese has gone all oozy and lovely, the asparagus is hot and crunchy and I WANT MORE.

So I repeat the process, but this time I add a drink of PIMMS AND LEMONADE. But Sarah, you say, surely your bottle smashed all over platform 2? Yes it did, but luckily a wonderful companion heard of this miserable event, and bought another bottle, despite not being able to drink any himself. Celebrations were had, and then we watched Big Brother.

I might make this again tonight. I mean – I’ve got to do SOMETHING with all this cream cheese…