What perturbed us the most when we had our Kettle Chips crisis at the weekend was the outrageous specificty of the flavour claims. Not a huge problem when they claim the slight tang is say Salsa with Mesquite, but a who different kettle of (ahem) chips when the come into our manor. The manor of cheese.

The history of cheese and crisps was until recently a relatively simple one. There was cheese and onion, with a vaguely pongy strong flavour as befitted chemicals which had never seen either curds of mud. The idea in the early days of flavourings was simple, you mixed your chemicals and then guessed what they tasted like. Hence the development of the famed orange powder which coat any form of cheesy puff, most notably the Wotsit. This stuff is one part artificial cheese scrapings, ten parts industrial orange dye. Kids love it of course. The final sane development was the Quaver, not as strong as either of the above, but the choice of a more sophisticated generation.

Until the Kettle Chip came along anyway. Suddenly the generic cheese flavours we were used to were not good enough for them. Never mind the fact that all flavours of Kettle Chips TASTE THE SAME, they tried to fool us with their Cream Cheese and Chive. We fell for that. But then all of a sudden they gave us special editions of Stilton and Port for Christmas. (still no hint of Stilton). Why look, Brie and Mango Chutney, doesn’t taste of Brie at all. In my shop at the moment we have Gorgonzola with Leak and Rosemary Flavour, Monterry Jack, Mature Cheddar and – save my sides, Roquefort with French Onion. That is Cheese and Onion you bastards.

The campaign against Kettle Chips stupid flavours starts here.