I’m here for ALE, not GALLIANO! Blimey charley I must say that my Local Pub (the Hero of Switzerland just across from our flat which is the nearest pub is local ‘local’, if you know what I mean) is a seething mass of contradictions. Is it a BOOZER or a Trendy Bar? Does it attract the Luffbra Estate lot or the posher lot who live in the nice buildings round the corner with the SE5 postcode? Is it Young Trendy Camberwell or Raw London Edge Brixton? And more importantly, if you’re going to call yourself a pub, WHY DO YOU NOT SERVE ANY ALES! I turned up and arsked for a pint of bitter. The bitter was off. Alright then mate, let’s make it a Guinness. We Haf No Guiness. Okay, ANY bitter please. UMmmmm, all we’ve got is LAGER and BOTTLES. Que ce que c’est as they say in FURRIN? In the end I get a whiskey and coke in a glass tumbler. We are the only two people in the pub apart from a mang parked at the bar. We sit down on a very cosy sofa, shunning the leopard print chairs. I know it’s dark in there, but you can still see them.

So! It’s called The Mucky Duck. That is certainly the name of a pub, not a bar, unlike the other Coldharbour Lane example of The Living Room – most certainly a bar if EVAH I saw one. But they are severely down on ales, but regularly they do have ITS A MANG THING ie Worthingtons and Guinness. Just not when we visited. But the sofas and leopard print chairs remind me of nothing more, nothing less, than the Goff Caff back in Preston town. But instead of NIN on the old stereo system, they seem to be playing some Early Nineties Dance hurrah! But then it all goes bit PETE TONG (and his Deep Funk collection) and my companion and I make a list of things we want. Being the only two people in a pub always makes me feel strange. Is the pub dodgy? Are we making a total faux pas and simply NO-ONE goes to the pub at EIGHT, my darlings! Just before our second round, two hip looking kids turn up. I feel a little more reassured but we stay no longer.