I’m a liberal soul, and I would have no significant objection to any discreet self-grooming within the confines of the pub. However, my tolerance for such behaviour is low, and if I suspected a flying fragment of fingernail had landed in my porky scratchings, or if the stench of nail varnish affected my enjoyment of my drink, I would not be happy. I would be likely to take extreme action, such as raising my eyebrows in the direction of the culprit, moving tables or even tut-tutting. Be warned. Non-invasive slap surgery is fine by me though. Especially if the maker-up makes an error and gives us all a good laugh.

Murray Lachlan Young should clearly be barred from all pubs. What on earth is the Licensed Victuallers’ Association for if it’s not to shield us from the threat of Murray Lachlan Young, and his vile habits?