As any publican will tell you, you do officially have to be 18 to get served alcohol in a pub. I can assure you that by the age of 18 any girlie worth her MAC lipliner will have been practising the application of makeup for, ooh, at least 10 years. Therefore making errors is unlikely. Men, however, do not usually have much practice in slapping on the slap, which is why many drag acts and musicians look so shit (Fat Bob Smith springs to mind…).

This is entirely beside the point but hey, whatever. And if fragments of fingernail (must be a bloody violent manicure) wind up in the pork scratchings, how could this possibly make them taste any worse?

But I’m not sure if grooming is the answer (to any question at all really). Maybe I should just educate my drinking companions in the art of being where you said you’d be when you said.