Welcome to the Group E finale! Here’s how things stand.
France (managed by Jessica) have qualified with 6 points, and will top the group unless they come last here.
Honduras (managed by Kat) have 3.5 points. They will definitely qualify if they come first or second, and may do even if they don’t.
Switzerland (managed by Mullah Rezmat) have 1.5 points. They need to go for the win here and hope Honduras screw up.
Ecuador (managed by Meghan) have 1 point. They also need to go for the win and hope Honduras screw up.
To the songs and votes!
FRANCE: Charlotte Gainsbourg – “Terrible Angels”
“First of all, the French coach would like to credit able assistant coach Daniel Montesinos-Donaghy, who advised going with the Indila/Black M formation rather than making Indila run the ball all by her lonesome. Now in a safe spot, despite hard fights from the opponents, the coaching staff is retreating to plan strategies for the knockout round and trusting the pitch to a veteran. The result is either the worst combination of French complacency and Scientologist hooey, or the best possible soundtrack for walking down the middle of the street, alone, at 3 am with your head held high.”
HONDURAS: JCP y Fresh ft Jowell – “A Poca Luz 2”
“It’s now or never for the Hondureñas: time to bring out ‘Los Fabulosos’! JCP and Fresh are a heavy-scoring upfront partnership, happy to put the hard grind into the club leagues but also teaming up well with Jowell and the rest of the national squad on the big occasions (or indeed, on pretty much any occasion). Here they are recalling the time the floodlights at the ground blew out and they had to entertain a large contingent of female fans in the dark. By dressing up as vampires.”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BeJZGjwbrR8
SWITZERLAND: Boris Blank – “Random Tox”
“We flowed down, we stilled time, we are the pulsing air in you. Helvetica Bold.
Rezmat
Zermatt
Shaping You a New Space Hole”
Audio Player
ECUADOR: Fabrikante – “Chanteoma”
“Ecuador is abandoning all flights of fancy, and playing it safe on the final round by consulting a strategy analyst and then following their advice precisely.”
THE POLL:
E3: Which TWO Tracks Do You Pick? [ballot]
- SWITZERLAND: Boris Blank 31%
- ECUADOR: Fabrikante 31%
- FRANCE: Charlotte Gainsbourg 22%
- HONDURAS: JCP y Fresh ft Powell 16%
Total Voters: 42
Poll closes: 15 Apr 2014 @ 14:00
Loading ...RESULTS: Japan comfortably top Group C thanks to a dominant performance from one of their star players, winning the final group game with a solid margin. Cote D’Ivoire can’t quite pull away from Colombia but that high-scoring draw is enough to send them through in second place and 5.5 points. Colombia have endured a torrid campaign but can end it with some honour restored by their veteran striker. Greece, meanwhile, have a nightmare after their excellent second game, ending up third in the group after failing to pick up any points here. Commiserations to David Cooper Moore and Billy Dods, congratulations to Garry and Patrick St.Michel. Final standings: 1. Japan – 7 points. 2. Cote D’Ivoire – 5.5 points. 3. Greece – 3 points. 4. Colombia – 2.5 points.
France adopt a Goldfrapp formation but the team are lacklustre and anonymous – it’s hard to tell one player from the next.
Honduras look a lot fresher – a solid midfield and some nippy front men make them hard to beat.
Switzerland pick up the pace with some Yello tactics but they are running on the spot with little goalmouth action.
Ecuador demonstrate some impressive twists and turns but rely on set pieces for any attacking play.
Ecuador get my top bid for sheer invention and the strength of the one man a country has put their hopes on — we could see a sweet come back, I just hope that they’re able to follow through the knockout stages with similar potency.
The Swiss are running like a well calibrated watch, even non-technically they might have the most impressively sound game here and tik tak their way to a tasty, refreshing score in my book. I’m curious to see Rezmat’s playstyle in the knockout stages if he does make it, which I hope he does. I’ve heard that sound effect in the beginning of the song though in a Grischa Lichtenberger song before.
Honduras’ team this time show quite a bit of flair which I admire, but if the instrumental is any evidence, I’ve to quote Pusha T here: “the swag don’t match the sweaters.” Something’s off here.
As for France, on a level I like Charlotte Gainsbourg — I think she’s a fine actress, and I think she has a nice, warm voice, as evidenced on her cover of Air’s Somewhere Between Waking And Sleeping — but please get better producers. This song or that synth doesn’t suit her, or anyone well. Underwhelming play from them.
France get Gainsbourg on for some solid, uncomplicated, gritty stomp. Unfortunately for France, there’s only one idea being utilised here and no guidance from the bench. You don’t win matches with attitude alone.
Honduras put 3 strikers up front, but their shonky midfield offer little in the way of service. Accordions buried too far deep in the mix to provide any impact. Track back lads and help your teammates!
Switzerland have a veteran of their own. Idiosyncratic Boris Blank laces up a pair of neon pink boots, as his old pair have seen better days. He’s learnt a few tricks from these young whippersnappers as well. He’s enjoying himself out there. Can Switzerland progress? I hope so at least.
Ecuador beatbox their way to the knockout stages hopefully. I’m really enjoying what Fabrikante can do with that big north & south of his! Just go easy on the Krispy Kremes, big fella!
This has been the toughest round for me to judge thus far as all four teams could have gained the win they need. In the end it is Honduras and Ecuador who miss out. The former is unlucky as they are only the second most playful team in this group. Ecuador in wonderfully inventive but expecting one player to cover all eleven positions while playing a high tempo game saw him flag towards the end.
France get around this problem by cloning their star player. In this case going the Goldfrapp gives them strength and drive and an inevitable goal.
But the win is for Boris. It can only be for Boris. Rubbery legged, bending the ball this way and that, turning defenders on the dance floor, raining the ball towards goal from all over the pitch.
(As I side note I can happily recommend Blank’s Yellofier app so you too can make your own Yello-ish tracks from anything you sample. Also guaranteed to amuse pre-schoolers…)
Goodness me, Switzerland – not everything has been to my taste but you won’t find any team with a more flexible game. A third totally different gameplan sees them pinging it about confidently and finding the net with ease.
“Ecuador” and “beatboxing” are not a pair of words that I’ve ever associated before, but wow what a performance. Totally unlike anything else and you have to hand it to the skipper for taking one for the team – but the groundsman will be short of paint for the pitch markings for the rest of the tournament.
Not sure about France’s tactics on this one, a bit predictable and the team end up fighting among themselves by the end, who’d have seen that coming from the French?
Honduras a bit tedious, over-confident, announcing the team changes themselves (usually a point off for me) and you’re shaking your watch long before the end.
Two clear winners here for me.
But first…
Honduras: competent enough kickabout, but a bit too jumpers for goalposts to break the mould and pass on through to the next round at this level, surely?
France: somewhat reminiscent (and not at all in a bad way) of some mid-90s Françoise Hardy-led lineups, “Dix heures en été” and all that. Unfortunately today’s performance doesn’t have quite the same degree of flair or structure, and a bit of flickering out seems unavoidable. A pity really.
Ecuador: “interesting” and “eccentric” rather than pure unalloyed genius, perhaps, (perhaps not though? hmmm) but in this context perfectly satisfactory and sufficient to get that goal they were looking for.
Switzerland: possibly the most interesting team of the tournament overall, on the evidence thus far presented – and not just interesting, but positively bloody good. Is this “The Race” brought forward, slowed down (hopping along the street), sped up, for the (train noises) public transport generation? Is this “random tox” the notorious tagger of London tube trains (most random place I’ve seen his tag: a couple of miles outside Chipping Norton) transposed to Zurich? Who knows? Well worth a vote, and hopefully this will get his fabulous, groundbreaking, imaginative team of brilliantness through to the round of the big boys.
With qualification in the bag, it’s no surprise France take their foot off the pedal a little. This isn’t a bad showing at all, and after several optimistic appearances in the Pop World Cup Panini album it’s nice to see Charlotte Gainsbourg get a run out. More a testimonial than a competitive performance, perhaps, for the daughter of the original “Coq Sportif”.
Honduras are solid at the back and there’s plenty of pace in this side, but not an awful lot of technique. (Though my co-commentator (and wife) praised their positive attitude and workrate, and handed them a vote.)
Switzerland switch up their tactics again, and this time it seems to be paying off for them – a much-loved veteran happy to orchestrate matters from midfield, passing opponents into bamboozlement before finishing them off with a tap-in.
As for Ecuador, it’s a tireless performance from Fabrikante, darting all over the pitch – sheer will to win. If it’s a hopeless cause, nobody’s told this fellow. Against sterner opposition passion wouldn’t be enough, but Fabrikante does enough here to restore some Ecuadorian pride – though qualification may be too big an ask.
The closest possible result – it’s a transalpine tragedy for Honduras and Ecuador as the Swiss sneak through.
Wailing and gnashing of teeth can be heard all the way from Tegucigalpa!
However we enjoyed playing the Swiss so much that we give them our full support from here on in.