POP-EYE 5/11/00 (in collaboration with I HATE MUSIC)


“Yes, Tom?”

“I’m moving house on Monday, and I’d like you to fill in for me on NYLPM.”



“Now, Tom. Haven’t you overlooked something? What does NYLPM take as its topic? Music. What am I best known for? Hating music. Do you sense a conflict of interests, perhaps?”

“Ah, yes. But what I want you to do is Pop-Eye. You know, the weekly section where I take a look at the UK charts and – ”

“Hell’s Bells! It gets worse! The British charts are poxier than ever this week! Westlife are squatting atop the chart like a chubby-cheeked ten-legged tumour, are they not, crowing about having equalled some ghastly Beatles record or other? I’m sure self-styled chart expert Paul Gambaccini is starching his sheets over it as we speak, but I hardly want to be dragged down to that level!”

“No, that’s just it. The charts this week are the worst for a long, long time, Tanya! Your specialist perspective is exactly what’s needed. Have a look at this list.”

“I have better – God’s Hairy Arse! The Tweenies?? Aren’t they those grotesque purple and orange things that look like a sold-from-a-suitcase version of the Muppets? What earthly business do they have with the singles charts?”

“The strange thing about their single is how very similar it sounds to all the other bouncy pop singles lately – Martine McCutcheon‘s effort, for example. It just goes to show that we can’t do pop an eighth as well as the Americans these days.”

“Sheer hairsplitting. The Septics are just as awful. What kind of fool calls themselves Nelly, for pity’s sake? Admittedly he sounds as if he’s just said goodbye to the fucking circus. And his record’s a nasty, hobbling thing, to boot.”

“But just look a bit lower down…”

“Godammit, Ewing, you owe me several gins for this. “Beautiful Inside” by Louise? Let me guess – it’s saying that looks don’t matter as long as you’re beautiful inside. And who is singing this exactly? The kids are stupid, but they’re surely not that stupid. And Limp Bizkit, with another record that sounds like it was recorded by a terrier in a fucking dishwasher, cunningly named after an old Who track I see in an attempt to pull in passing sixties relics.”

“And The Corrs are back! With a song called “Irresistible”!”

“Sorry, Tom. Some targets are just too easy.”

Waived this week.