A few sort of superficial observations on the new-look Spice Girls, formulated after one watching of “Holler” or “Hotter” or “Higher” or whatever it’s called:

  • The song really is not very good. Not at all. Bland, boring, no hook to even think of speaking about. It’s no “Spice Up Your Life”; it’s not even a “The Lady Is A Vamp.” Was Geri Haliwell the George Michael of the Spice Girls? Is every remaining Spice an Andrew Ridgeley waiting to happen?
  • Okay, I take that back about Melanie C, who is going to refashion herself into a punk goddess before the decade is over.
  • Doesn’t Emma look kind of … squished? I read about controversy over the Melanie C appearance status (although she doesn’t look like she’s gained too much weight, she’s just lost tone here and there; this in no way diminishes her status as Hot Spice), but Emma definitely looks the strangest, in both publicity photos and the new, also very boring video. Perhaps it is a result of her lack of bangs.
  • You don’t vocode Melanie C. Corollary: You don’t vocode anything around Melanie C. That single with Bryan Adams—Bryan freaking Adams!—should have taught the producers this. But they were probably too busy laying eleventy bazillion tracks on every inch of music to think of anything else.
  • This overproduction does, however, make Victoria’s voice sound somewhat … in key. Presentable, even.
  • But Melanie C! Oh to listen to her voice, unhindered! I now want to hear her record more Joan Jett songs! With Joan Jett, a la the “Rebel Girl” single!
  • The Melanie whose last initial isn’t C—what is her last initial, again? Oh, that’s right. NO ONE CARES. That’s what happens when you name your baby after a borough.
  • The Spice Girls are not Destiny’s Older Sisters. Can someone please write this down on a Post-It and stick it somewhere?

I am very disappointed. (NOTE: this is coming from someone who really, really enjoyed one of the first post-Geri departure shows; I don’t have standards all that high to begin with)