If I remember Jules Verne?s version of 80 Days Around The World Circumnavigating, India was a high point. It was full of gung-ho action and adventure, and also where he picked up the Princess. Thus there were many prospects for me. Action, adventure and bumping off Princess, mid-eighties popstar by default (King, Queen and Prince already existed ? worst luck). I would also see if I could put an end to Princess Superstar while I was at it. A time machine would be the best bet, then I would show her exactly what the definition of a Bad Babysitter was (it involves baby, bathwater, and throwing both out to destroy the evidence).

Apparently, according to my now lost manservant Crispian, this was not the plot of the Jackie Chan version of Around The World in 80 ? cheers. But then I have always hated Jackie Chan since the Ash song Kung Fu made me abandon my ninja ways. The Frank And Walters were the last to see my nun-chucks.

It was pretty easy to get a boat from Columbo up the Indian coast to Goa. Apparently this was the back way, and as such I was effecting some sort of back passage to India. And rightly so, Goa was shit. I had been looking forward to it, if only to see if the trance music which emanated from every bass bin (called a bin for a reason) really did introduce a brain dead state in the listeners. And to see if it was permanent. One look at Steve Hillage suggested it might be.

AIN’T GOING TO GOA – Alabama 3

You have to ask WHY Alabama 3 were not willing to go to Goa. After all, the audience in Goa are about the easiest to play for. Perhaps Alabama 3’s poor mans Stereo MC’s schtick would be too complex for the average Goan audience. After all the very idea that the Alabama 3 have eight members and were not EVEN FROM ALABAMA is a pretty mind blowing idea. If your mind is very small. Like the average Goan trancer.

(I have always assumed that the Brixton dance band posed as being from Alabama as its the only place that white trash like them would feel at home. And man alive if an uglier, more gap toothed bunch of South London chancers pretending to be a gospel dance band existed, the world would be sucked up by some sort of world devourer and then vomit us back up for having too many rubbish bands.)

So why were Alabama 3 really not going to go to Goa? One assumes it may be because they can’t afford the air fare, though this is clearly not true what with the fluke success of their Soprano’s theme Woke Up This Morning (I wish they hadn’t). According to the lyrics ketamine had turned their eyeballs to plastacine, which is a good enough reason not to go anywhere. Though a medical condition I have never heard of. Unlike vomiting caused by listening to Alabama 3, which I think is almost compulsory these days.