I woke up with the poor dismembered bodies of the young karaoke singers around me. It was like a scene from a Japanese horror movie – such as Ring (nowhere near as frightening as the Abba horror Ring Ring which still keeps me awake at night). I could not remember my actions, but it was more than plausible than in a fit of rage I had attacked these poor Japanese teenyboppers as they attempted I Think Were Alone Now, that proving that they were not
a) Tiffany
b) The Rubinoos
c) Tommy James & The Shondells
d) Alone at all.

And yet even I would surely not stoop to murdering sailor suited schoolgirls just because they were singing a bad song really badly. Would I? I was not going to wait to find out. Rather than the relaxing break I hoped Japan would be, it had become a nightmare. I needed space, quiet, solitude and a plain ticket away before the police charged me.

I head for the Imperial Palace in the centre of town, recognizing it as an oasis of calm (not that the phrase Oasis of Calm makes any sense these days). Walking through the imperial gardens, considering where I should go next, my eyes set up a Mandarin Duck. Which took me back…

BIS – Theme From Tokyo

…To the time I saw Bis in Amsterdam, where I threw an egg at the twee hairslided singer, and that is the last thing she did. Duck that is.

Remember Bis? Its a very short name, easily overlooked on a hit list you might think. But what you misunderstand is that I give ever band their own line, so the very shortness – leaving lots of blank space – drew attention to them. That and the screeching catawauling noise of Manda Rin (please, my sides), the Toys’R’Us instumentation and the piss-poor stabs at ska this hopeless band attempted.

Theme From Tokyo comes from one of their later albums, when apparently they were over the age of eighteen and therefore were allowed to use grown up instruments. This did not stop them being rubbish, but at least access to a drum machine meant they were not constantly out of time. Out of tune yes, but only an electronic voicebox would sort that problem out. Now there is an idea.

Bis are one of my successes, no longer being together. I hounded them out of existence from the moment I realised that they had set their sights on terrorising children. Unlike Ruth Kelly, I believe in the sanctity of childhood, and am aware that allowing Bis to record the theme tune to a kids TV show was tantamount to making Gary Glitter an art teacher. Whilst I did not manage to save the ranks of Powerpuff Girls fans, I hope that the future will view the demise of Bis as the best we could do under the circumstances. Remember, they were the first unsigned band to play Top Of The Pops.