I managed to distance myself from the horrific Reef by getting a room on the very top floor of the hotel. I still did not like to rely on something with the same name as a useless South Western band for my continued existence but I desperately needed the sleep. And the sheets were nice, and the mini-bar was full of little bottles of Dr Gordon?s Finest Invention.

The next morning I tried to book a way off this infernal reef. Luckily a boat was coming in from a nearby northern island and I booked myself directly on to it. It was quite nice to be back on the sea. It also helped that the eight hour trip was a nice leisurely way of getting slowly sizzled. On the way a local started talking to me about tales of cannibals and the like. I responded that all I knew about cannibals was ?I Eat Cannibal? and that is not incredible at all, rather a festering record of shite.

I must admit in my haste to to escape the Reef I had not noted the name of the Island I was travelling to. And neither had I picked it up in the haste to get more drink down me on the boat. So the shock was left to me when I was escorted off of the boat to see a big sign saying WELCOME TO PAPUA NEW GUINEA. How ambient, I thought in irritation.


Question: What kind of bizarre catastrophes would have to befall Britain?s mighty metropolis for it to end up sounding like the Future Sound Of London? Well lets see?

Firstly all speech would have to be replaced by atone yelping noises, employed much less frequently then modern speech is.

Secondly the sound of traffic would go from a persistent but comforting rumble to a horrendous skittering noise which some people might call intelligent drum and bass, but I prefer to call the sound of a very fast bottled fart coming out.

Thirdly, unlike the current compelling sounds of the metropolis it would have to turn out to be completely engaging and really rather dull. Especially the twelve inch. To achieve this one imagines the catastrophe would have to remove much free will and replace it with just a low level of intelligence.

Finally one would imagine that all life giving substances like alcohol would be banned just so that people could dance to this crap. Anyone with any ounce of common sense would move out of a London that sounded like this at the first opportunity.

So therefore, for the Future Sound of London to really be The Future Sound Of London, a catastrophe that turns us into gurning, uncommunicative, undiscerning zombies stuck in one big room would have to occur. A mass dosing of Ecstacy perhaps? Unlikely. Go back to your books futurologists, and put down those laptops NOW!