NATIONAL CELEBRATION ALERT. Yet again I interrupt the Round Of Rubbish with more urgent news for the British nation. Unlike yesterdays horrific Farm related news flash, I instead have good news to report. Sometimes the life of a music hater seems full of disappointment. However it is moments like this that make it all worthwhile. If people do not join my campaign it is nice to see that at least physiology is on my side.

Sting has lost his voice. The tantric sexed friend of big lipped tribesmen is unable to even croak out his big hits, and all his other records. This is tremendous news, it saves all the poor fools who had booked tickets from his cod white-boy reggae. And in the constant fight there is no more emblematic soul as to all that is wrong with music than the pompous, po-faced Geordie. Perhaps I will never get all music banned. But as long as the only water flowing is the bitter tears of Sting, I’ll be happy.