According to Michael Jackson (and he would know) “If your thinking about my baby, it don’t matter if you’re black or white”. Well this certainly seems to be the case if the baby is called Jack. Black vs White in the battle of which Jack is more annoying. Let us look at the evidence.

Jack Black

A comic actor turned rock act. I could happily explain at great length and with a selection of instruments invented by Chilean torturers to Mr Black how there is nothing funny about taking the mickey out of music, in the medium of music. You are merely perpetuating the horror. And what horror it is when the piggy faced Mr Black straps on a guitar as part of his rock duo Tenacious D and proceeds to pretend to be a rock god. Of course the Greek Pantheon of gods had plenty of lousy gods as well as the big guns like Mars and Hera. Using this comparison, Jack Black is a bit like Faris, the Greek God of bodily waste. I note with horror that his new film is called the School of Rock, and appears to involve Black indoctrinating youngsters into liking music. And dressing up like the members of AC/DC who should have been jailed for paedophilia years ago.*

Jack White

A comic rock act turned actor. Equally I could happily use said torture instruments to quickly point out to the pasty faced loser that musicians make terrible actors. Especially terrible musicians. There I was in the civil war drama Cold Mountain, happy that it was set in the days before music when who do I see brandishing a mandolin but White. Everyone knows that there was no music in America before Souza. Well White went on to prove it. At least he did not have his pouty wife/sister/granny with him on kick drums and being kicked.

So Black or White? Which is worse. You do not expect me to answer this. They are both as evil as each other of course. So much so that perhaps they should be in a band or film together, for surely as opposites their co-presence would wipe one enough out. Oh happy day.

*Actually the charge doesn’t matter. As long as they are locked up.