HOW TO WRITE AN ELASTICA SONG

1: Nip down the Record and Tape Exchange and find a few old battered New Wave albums. Wire albums and Fall albums are especially useful.
2: Nick a song off of one of those records.
3: Sleep for two years.
4: Wake up, realise that half your band have left. Get some more members based on how they look rather than their playing ability. It is especially useful if they look fucking awful.
5: Write some lazy lyrics for your stolen song about being lazy and how hard you are.
6: Slag your ex-boyfriend off to the inkies. Sleep for six months.
7: Wake up realising your studio appointment was twenty minutes ago. Rush you, your band and some old tramp you found in the street (or Mark E.Smith) down there, and knock the songs out in a blaze of punk attitude. (See note 1)
8: Sleep for nine months.
9: Release the record. Wonder where your fans have gone to. You were always the critics darlings back in the olden days – with your cheeky little punk band and its no nonsense attitude. It certainly did not hurt that you were the masturbatory fantasy of the majority of indie kids back then. Even if you did look a bit mannish. Ho hum, can’t be helped. At least Mummy and Daddy can keep you in the manner you have become accostomed to.
10. Go back to sleep.

Note 1: If you are now too old to effectively carry off a blaze of punk attitude, sounding bored will do. Or snoring if you can’t be arsed to wake up.
Note 2: Whilst it is not a necessary step to recording the song, experimenting with drugs would certainly not be out of place. If you find a favourite experiment, just repeat it daily. Or at least between naps.

I Hate Music