This site is not called I Hate Science. I think, in general, that science is a rather good thing, especially in the field of medical advances. I am not even anti-cloning – since the music industry succeeded in this field a long time ago and clones seem no more dangerous than the originals. Given the choice of getting stuck in a lift with Radiohead or Coldplay, I think I would pick ver ‘Play every time. Musical clones are the same as the originals – just with a smaller canon. Probably easier to beat up too (as an aside readers, do you know where I can buy a Brickbat? They sound like fabulous things. Baseball bats made of brick. Smokey Robinson wouldn’t be crying tears of a clown after a quick go with that).

During my enforced vacation from hating music for the last few weeks, into hating Internet Service Providers, I have been doing some scientific research. And so I hope to show the effect of science on music. We will be taking a trip through Moog’s (rubbish scientific instument), via the use of science in songs and of course, everyones favourite, science fiction songs. Hold on to your astro hats, because this is going to be nasty. To start off with, the nastiest of sci-fi songs: courtesy of our old favourite Elton John.

ELTON JOHN – Rocket Man

Of course that is not the full title to the song. Oh no. Full title is “Rocket Man (I Think Its Going To Be A Long Long Time)”. Well it certainly seems longer than it is, in the way that good things seem to fly by. From the appallingly titled Honky Chateau album, this was Elton’s go at ripping off Space Oddity. Now whilst Bowie is a cock-eyed fool, and this has been much discussed round here, he is at least a cock-eyed fool with a modicum of sense. Whereas Elton – lyrically – is the stream of consciousness, never rub out a lyric kind of guy. Take these for starters:

“Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
In fact it’s cold as hell”

A charitable woman might say that Elton is using clever symbolism here, in as much as Mars is red – like the stereotypical depiction of hell, and yet it is cold as hell (though said stereotypical depiction paints hell as being hot). I am not a charitable woman. This line is thoroughly uncalled for. Previously John has been mentioning how lonely it is in space, and then – out of the red if you will – he considers starting a family on Mars. Whilst the coldness might be a good reason to not set up creche facilities, Reg finds a much better reason:

“And there’s no one there to raise them if you did”

Grammar watch alert. There is no-one there to raise your kids, if you were to raise your kids there. Well obviously there would be. You would be there. Duh! Admittedly you would be cold as hell, but…. Anyway, Elton realises his general stupidity in this and other aspects of the song and finally admits that

“All this science, I don’t understand“. This certainly proven by the fact that he believes rockets reach orbit when they get as high as a kite. Its quite clear that the space race was all about who got to the massive rock of cocaine that was the moon first. It was one small step for man, one giant line for mankind.

Elton – if you don’t understand science (or for that matter Grammar), don’t write a song about it. Frankly there is nothing I would like to see more than you be sent into orbit with half a dozen whizz-bangs shoved up you diamante arse, but if we can’t have that, then at least shut your trap.