BRYAN FERRY – From Roxy Music to Poxy Music

It?s a conundrum. The organisers of Miss World 2000, looking through their post-ironic lenses, have to choose a venue, a host and a musical star for their event. Of course, this year’s Miss World could only be held in the multi-million quid double-D cup that is the Millennium Dome. The host – well, Jerry Springer is cheap and cheesy and will no doubt go down well with the dumb fucks who one-handedly watch this crap.

But who would be suitable to open the show? What musician would possibly accept the ignominy of opening this parody of a mockery of a caricature?

No problem! Send for that laughing stock, Bryan Ferry. Surely he is available; since it?s still November, panto season won?t have started and he will be at a loose end.

Flicking between Eastenders and two lemurs rodding each other on the telly tonight, I caught Ferry performing “Let?s Stick Together”, surrounded by T&A from the USA and the rest of the (Miss) world. He?s lost the pencil moustache but the lank hair and tuxedo remain. As does his godawful howling voice.

The longevity of Ferry?s dismal career is remarkable. The one saving grace in his solo work is its consistency – all his songs were equally shit. “The In Crowd” was toss, “Let?s Stick Together” is murder and the less said about “Slave to Love” the b.

But, Tanya, these three songs all emerged before 1985. Surely Ferry is a spent force now? Well yes, but that hasn?t stopped him from producing a stream of musakal slurry since then. Album after album, each released just in time for them to be bought for Dad?s Christmas Present and for Ferry?s slappable face to hit the cover of some hapless men?s magazine. I had the misfortune to hear him talking about his latest project on Radio 4 last month. Ho hum, the wankmeister has produced an album of covers. Please stop it Bryan – leave the shite tribute records to UB40.

Bryan Ferry. No shame then, no shame now.