A special edition – which of course in music terms means you are getting exactly the same as you would with the regular edition just paying more. Owning said special edition record will mark you out as a laughing stock when you try and flog it at the Record And Tape Exchange for the cash you need since you are unemployed because you won’t cut you lank greasy hair as some kind of anti-fascist statement. Wise up. People are not fascists for wanting you to cut your hair. Instead they care a bit about grooming, presentation and rightly believe that a sloppy appearance belies a sloppy mind. Too full of Spearmint gig dates for you to be able to do the most rudimentary data entry jobs. Look at the one band who advocate the not cutting of hair. Pavement.

Pavement. The band I have tried to write about no less than fifteen times but have never reached the level of vitriol that this half arsed bunch of no mark chancers deserve. In lieu of such an entry let me just say that if Pavement suggested I should do something, not only would I not do it but I would endeavour heartily to try and break the world record in doing the opposite. Which might explain why I was nigh on bald in 1993 and have never lived anything akin to a Range Life.

Sorry. Special edition lyric watch. Special edition regards the title of a seminal rap record. (Of course I am using the word seminal in its proper usage – ie to mean wank). Grandmaster Flash and his Furious Five and their confusing anti-drug message: “White Lines (Don’t Don’t Do It)”. Completely ignoring the fact that it is one of only two records which use the word Do three times in its title, it is quite clear that the Grandmaster is not one of making any sense. He certainly isn’t a Grandmaster of formal logic. Using the rule of reduction – ie two negatives cancelling out – the title is reduced to “White Lines (Do It)”. Running somewhat counter to the stated aims of the song.

Of course anti-drug records are rarely convincing coming from the people who’s collective septum has been ravaged by much of the worlds total supply of sobering up powder. White Lines is often cited as a groundbreaking record as its one of the few old skool rap tunes that has stood the test of time. That said I have always been suspicious of old skool rap. The only other time the phrase old skool, or two spell properly for a change, old school is used is by children aged 13. Context “What was it like in your old school”. By old school they mean their primary school. So therefore White Lines is a Primary Skool rap, and is about as intelligent as that story you wrote about you and your mate when you were seven. You know the one that had the same plot as Indiana Jones and The Temple Of Doom – just missing the dull woman out and recasting the film with you as Indy and your mate as Short Round. I understand George Lucas is going to sue.

Oh. Before you ask its Do Do Do Dah Dah Dah. I’ve already covered the multiple sins of The Police.