PULP: This Is Arsecore

When Cocker, Doyle et al shambled off to the studios in 1992 to record yet another batch of singles, do you think that any of them suggested that ? if these weren?t hits they might just call it a day? How close were we from being spared the gangly, putting-peoples-eyes-out antics of the Sheffield Sexaholic? What is it with you people in Sheffield. Is the social situation so bad that you could not even take the piss out of a perennially underachieving band? Were Pulp just waiting for British music to get bad enough so that their kiddie porn pop would appear spectacular in comparison? Ah well, Sheffield are also responsible for Moloko and Def Leppard so surely the fuses have already been set.

Still Pulp isn?t a one man band ? and having noted that let?s really lay into Jarvis. A man who went around in a wheelchair for six months to see what it would be like. It would be like sitting down and moving ? you damn fool. Still, he already wore glasses and had probably found that it was not stopping people hitting him. I?m no lover of Michael Jackson (he makes music remember) but a fair fight between the King O?Pop, and The King O?Fop would have been a lot better than what we got. Jarvis falling over lots and showing his boney arse. Jacko hangs round with Monkeys ? do you really think arses hold any fear for him?

It?s stating the obvious to say that Joe Cocker?s bastard lovechild never lived like Common People. Common homo sapiens man only thinks about sex once ever five seconds on average. How do you think that average came about ? eh? Jarvis puts in stints for every man and boy out there. His eyesight used to be perfect you know (not that you could tell from his taste in clothes ? which resemble nothing more than pages 18-34 of the childs eyesight test book). Jarvis talks about his art school days, and he?s never rented a flat in his life. He often talks wistfully about squatting. I can just imagine that the squatting in question loosens his bowels so excrement like Help The Aged can come out fully formed.

By the way Jarvis: that wasn’t Hardcore. Hardcore is either:
a) Mid-eighties borderline thrash guitar noise esp. from the Twin Cities region
b) Early nineties breakbeat – pre-jungle
c) The lumpy constituent of concrete
Not self obsessed songs about sex in tower blocks. Oh and Doyle – you can get keyboard stands which are level you know. Propping your Mini-Moog up at a 70 degree angle is asking for trouble of the broken ankle variety. Especially when your singer is an human daddy-long-legs who seemingly has no control over his limbs. Tossers.