You might have thought that Morse code had been rendered obsolescent by WAP phones and ISDN. Not so – the “dot-dash” lives on in its more irritating “bleep-blop” incarnation, thanks to Warp.

Warp has been going for 10 years and have been churning out minimal mid-tempo bleepy nonsense relentlessly over this period. Techno chinstrokers will no doubt reminisce about the days of LFO, RAC and Tricky Disco (maybe not) but the reality was that they were all crap. LFO’s “We are back” sounds like someone being beaten to death with a sampler in a back alley by a Dalek. Nightmares on Wax’s “Smoker’s Delight” – give me strength.

To commemorate 10 years of bleepfoolery, Warp released a double-album of its most important influences. Suffice to say, they were all losers like the Ital Rockers and Farley Jackmaster Funk, not to mention the long-suffering A Guy Called Gerald (i.e. “Vooooooooodoooooooo Ray” x 10 mins = yawn).

Worse than old records on Warp are contemporary ones, which seem to be made mainly by a series of interchangeable bands with short names beginning with “P” (Plone, Plaid, Plod, Pond, Poor et al). These bands play songs constructed around three-finger chords on £19.99 keyboards – I think some of them have only newly graduated from playing Axel F in Dixons with one digit.

Even worse than that are “techy” Warp bands – the likes of Autechre, Squarepusher and Boards of Canada. Give them a soldering iron and they think they’re the Aphex Twin. Yes, it is technically quite impressive that you’ve managed to wire a synthesizer to an Oric Atmos, via a Fairlight, a hoover and a blender. But no, the noise that comes out at the end is not even remotely musical (or interesting).

A plea for Warp in a language they might understand- BLOP BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP, BLOP BLOP BLOP, BLOP BLOP BLEEP, BLOP BLOP BLOP, BLEEP BLOP BLEEP BLEEP, BLEEP BLOP BLEEP BLEEP. For those of you with a WAPphone, that’s “BOG OFF”.