LITTLE GREG: [pokes at a finger of squared off chocolate that looks like it’s been squished by a Big Hand] We found this at the grime scene. It appears to be a new type of Twix product. But not a limited edition flavour that hangs around the big players and disappears after several months! It looks like a whole new product from the Twix brand. Could it cause (arf), a ‘ripple‘?

NICK STOKES: Are you sure about this, Little Greg? Twix Limited Editions have a noble tradition – orange, dark-chocolate flavour (when done for Mars, the ‘midnight’ edition?), er, maybe some others? Are you sure the Twix Gang would bother?

LG: Look at the packaging we found under this ‘ere microscope. It is silver – this means “diet” in UK branding, viz “Diet Coke”. Another well-known gang-runner in the brand game. And observe the lettering, “fino”. How continental!

NS: Chocolate is always Different On The Continent isn’t it. A Mars Bar is a Twix in France, isn’t it? And I am sure I ran the Twix Fino through AFIS (Ed: google obv) which said this has been on the continental market already under the name ‘Tropix’.

LG: You are well travelled for someone who lives in Las Vegas and never appears to go on vay-cay. And are you making all of that up?

NS: I’m not even sure myself anymore. But tropix makes mre sense than ‘fino’. Tropical, and Twix! But then again that might make one think it is an Um Bungo flavoured Twix. Only Grissom could get down with that bad boy. Anyway, so you say this is essentially a “Diet Twix”, with a wafer instead of a biscuit. What’s the chemical analysis?

LG: Traces of Kinder Bueno, covered in a bit too much caramel for the quantity of wafer. Tried to take epithelials, but it crumbles to pieces in a very unsatisfactory manner. PH level resting at “I’ll give it a few months”. As depressing ‘diet options’ go, it’s a snooze.

[Shouting is heard from outside the lab]

SOMEONE UPDATING A BLOG: “Bring back the orange flavour!”

NS: [wry look] Can’t get the staff these days.