Readers, I have spent today in the proverbial bin. Even a very large quantity of fry up could not prevent this and it is with some trepidation that I keep remembering I am going to have to put my hair under running water for awhile at some point. However, Mark’s also gone out and so rather than being able to mope around complaining that I’m dying, I’ve had to attempt to distract myself with television, the internet’s rigour having been deemed too challenging right now. Somehow, this seems to have turned into “watching the entire of Wartime Kitchen and Garden” on whatever channel 19 of Freeview is. In an effort to pretend that this was in some way important research and not just me secretly quite enjoying it, I feel there are a few points I should bring up regarding this, in case anyone else too ruined to roll over and switch off the telly until the channel actually went dead for the night has also been pondering these serious issues.

1. For those unfamiliar with the format, this is part-historical-reproduction series in which Ruth Mott does the Kitchen bit and Harry Somethingorother does the gardening. Those are their real names and they do seem to have lived through the war, however, they are placed in a semi-dramatised setting as evacuee Joyce (and her son, who we see a total of twice during the entire series) aids and abets Ruth, mostly by getting told to hurry up with various items of cookery (nettles, elderflowers, etc.) and LandGirlAnnie (all one word, judging by the commentary) ploughs fields and etc. with Harry. They periodically turn on the wireless to hear Churchill speeches etc. and engage in weird dialogue about Joyce going to parties etc., meanwhile Ruth and Harry both mostly talk …well, they can’t exactly be out of character because they’re playing themselves but I mean as though they are making a documentary rather than starring in a drama, then go back into the roleplay. It’s like a blvddy French textbook, with the out-of-date clothes and the vague impression that the content was developed considerably before this current issuing.
Joyce and LandGirlAnnie compare trousers

(Joyce and LandGirlAnnie compare frocks)

2. There seemed to be one episode with Valentine Warner in but maybe that was something else entirely. Either way, it was how I ended up HOOKED ON THIS CRACK, since that man could pretty much do anything to me. In fact, somehow I managed to see that episode twice so maybe it was some other kind of special, it certainly didn’t follow the formats of the others but at the end of the day, WHO CARES, WHO CARES?

3. I know Nose To Tail is in and all but removing the skin from a pigs head = probably one of the nastier things I’ve ever seen. I mean seriously. The worst bit was all the blackheads it had on its nose, though; what would you DO? Do you squeeze them, which seems weird or just boil the pig head with blackheads on, which seems disgusting? Oh god. This is why you shouldn’t really eat things with faces, isn’t it; the etiquette dilemnas are just too far-reaching. (Altho I do like brawn so oh god maybe one day will find self skinning pig head; it can’t be much of a step between “having started a dripping jar and begun to wrestle with self re: throwing away peel rather than obsessively making stock” and err… no, maybe am still safe for awhile)

4. “Tomatoes must have pot ash or they won’t ripen” -what kind of trufax untrufac is this? I have never put pot ash on any tomato I’ve ever grown! Is there actually any science that this is based on? That and “elderflowers have a strong flavour” well maybe in comparison to …well, I don’t know. I’d put a lot more in me pseudo-welsh cakes is all I’m saying. Except I wouldn’t because elderflower is a bit ming but anyway.

5. Godammit I want to see the postwar bit now! I can’t wait until 6am tomorrow. Is this how normal people feel about Dr Who?