I Know Who Killed MeIts not that I like bad films. There are exuberant bad films, films which entertain on a visceral level. There are films which amuse because they are so bad, and there are films which you cannot really imagine why they were made in the first place. Well in the first place I know the reason that I Know Who Killed Me got made. Lindsay Lohan, teen queen du jour wanted to make a proper adult film. And who can blame her, too much Disney is going to sicken anyone – even if you teen movies such as Mean Girls were excellent. But what does adult mean to LiLo? Well if I Know Who Killed Me is anything to go by adult equals sex, stripping, torture, murder, serial killing, a noiresqure film title, lots of pouting and swearing and an incomprehensible plot.

And so to that plot. Lindsay plays a nice girl student, Aubrey Fleming, noted for her nice boyf and her creative writing. But something is rotten in this University town, a serial killed who mutliates and then kills is on the prowl and one night Aubrey goes missing. Things look bleak for Ms Fleming, indeed we see her hand and her foot getting chopped off – and then a body is discovered. ALIVE! Its LiLo again but she says her name is Dakota Moss, swears like a trouper and is an erotic dancer. Oh, she too has had a foot removed and hand burnt off. So there are some nice scenes of prosthetic fitting, while Dakota swears at Aubrey’s parents, flirts with Aubrey’s boyf and the FBI get pissed off with her being uncommunicative and lying about who she is while others might be in danger. In the meantime (while smoking and having rough sex) Dakota has dreams about Aubrey being her long lost twin sister blah blah blah.

This takes s up to about the 50% mark, at which point smokey, sweary Dakota has it out with Julia Ormond who is probably a bit pissed off to be relegated to roles like playing Lindsay Lohan’s mum. Anyway having been accused of having stealth twins and ditching one in the dumper, Ormond tells a meaningless story regarding how hard it was to have a child and says, out loud so all the viewers can empathise:
“Sometimes I just did not want to go on”.

I should have stopped the DVD there. Anyway the last half hour has two more dream sequences, a bit of bionic hand action, and unidexter stripping from sweary LiLo. All of which should be awesome, but isn’t because none of it makes any sense. The “reveal” that Dakota Moss was a character Aubrey ahd been writing about is not even vaguely a reveal because it is so fucking obvious. The “who is the bad guy” aspect is negligable because there is only one possible person it can be unless Julia Ormond had decided to torture her own daughter. Yet up until the very end it still plays with the secret twin idea as if it is clever – thus destroying any sense the films setup ever had (very little). The whole thing is rendered mainly ridiculous because LiLo has no idea how to play an adult, she plays perky teen TOO well. Being saddled with too many dream sequences and a prosthetic hand doesn’t help, but there is a reason this film got eight Razzies.

Ideal film for a drunken party then! Sorry Tim. Go on, watch the trailer…