be-mine.jpgI have already catalogued the extreme and somewhat unpleasant transformation of Robyn from novelty frog chart act to novelty Swedish pop star here. But it has been brought to my attention that even though she can be ridiculed for her po-faced personality, blonde Hitler haircut and a wardrobe which has at least two DIFFERENT hot-dog costumes in it, her lyrics are even more disturbing. Take recent mope-a-long a disco-beat* track Be Mine.

EXHIBIT A: ‘Cause you never were, and you never will be mine
No, you never were, and you never will be mine

How sure can she be that said object of her affection NEVER will be hers? Remember, she is an international pop star now and to some people this fact, and any handy financial change which comes out of it, may counter their dislike for a lady who looks like her face is made of latex. Clearly Robyn has either the ability to see into the future, or has put out a contract on said beau. Unless there can be another reason. To whit, M’Lud I bring you Exhibit B.

EXHIBIT B: I saw you at the station,
You had your arm around what’s-her-name
She had on that scarf I gave you
And you got down to tie her laces

HOLD ON. There is nothing romantic about tying someones laces up for them. Brushing away hair in a devil may care fashion = Romantic. Laying down coat in Sir Walter Raleigh fashion = Romantic (albeit stupid, as even Elizabeth I would not be drowned by a small puddle). Doing up someones shoelaces for them = other person either suffers from dementia OR IS A TINY FAT-FINGERED CHILD.

And suddenly Robyn’s certainty in EXHIBIT A is clear. Her man has tastes in relationships which are outside of the societal norms (though admittedly ones which are routinely ignored in pop music EH Mr Glitter, Mr Wyman & Mr J.King). Whilst this developmentally challenged child may be disguised as Robyn in her scarf, the man will clearly soon be hounded into a Swedish jail, where Pass The Soap means something quite different to what it does in an English jail**. It would almost make me feel sorry for Robyn, if she wasn’t a super-evolved Swedish frog hellbent on world chart domination and the end of civilization as we know it. Which would also explain why he never would be hers, because he, and the rest of us, would be dead.

*Why is it that only dance music made by people from Scandinavian countries are ever described as glacial. They have glaciers in New Zealand too. And Crowded House were REALLY REALLY boring.

**Swedes, for all their popstar faults, are fastidiously clean. Even in prison.

(Thanks to Emma for bringing this to my attention)