Online dating is a wonderful thing…

Sensitive young man into eating, singing like a girl and the outdoors would like to meet an ugly girl, any age, any race just NOT BEAUTIFUL.

Hi Seany, tell me more about yrself. I am in my early thirties and like relaxing, silent movies and the countryside (as long as there is not a bloody music festival going on). What do you like?

Hey Tanya. You sound lovely. But can you tell me if you are attractive? I have had a bad experience with a beautiful girl you see, and frankly it made me want to kill myself so I would appreciate a photo or maybe a description.

Sorry, I don’t send photos but it is funny that beautiful girls made you feel suicidal. There is a song in the charts CALLED Beautiful Girls which makes ME feel suicidal. So i think we could easily bond over that! If you could let me know what you consider to be beautiful, I could probably see if I fit in that category and see if you would still fancy me. Let’s meet up.

I find cheerleaders, bobbysoxers and anyone who dresses out of the nineteen fifties to be particularly alluring, but actually I am not fussy. It is funny that you hate that song, but we can talk about it when we meet. What music do you like. Please send a photo, and then we can meet up.

Here is a photo. I would not normally do this but hey, you seem really sensitive and lovely.
Kate Nash
We should meet up. How about Ed’s Easy Diner, because it is unlikely that you will see any bobbysoxers there. We can talk about my musical tatses there, they are quite niche. Look forward to seeing you Seany.

You really are ugly. Hooray. I will meet you in this Ed’s place. Its a date. I’ll be the slightly chubby one who sounds like Boy George.

From: TanyaIHM []
To: Britney Spears []
Hey Britney. You know I said I would destroy your career and you didn’t believe me. Well, now what do you think?

Anyway – Bitch (where did you get THAT idea from), I am willing to give you one final chance. I would like you to meet this bloke Sean for a date for me. If you could wear any of your outfits from the Baby One More Time video. Oh and brush up a but as you have been looking a bit rough recently. Leave the kids at how, one caterwauling baby voiced loser will be enough. Also if you could take along this bag. It contains cyanide tablets, a gun, a all access pass to the Canary Wharf tower and a free tube pass. Cheers.