Long-term readers will know my strong commitment to green issues: every time I see a copy of REM’s apalling album I ‘orange crush’ it to destruction under a sharp stiletto.

And of course I’d like to save the planet too. In this I now have an ally in Thom Yorke, who is promising to give up touring for green reasons. Apparently, Yorke is concerned that customers before his concerts run their engines for four or five hours, queueing to get in. And that isn’t even factoring in all the fans who run their engines for four or five hours after his concert, to gas themselves.

I have myself conducted extensive studies of the environmental impact of Radiohead and the problem is worse than even Yorke believes. I lack the posh powerpoint resources of Al Gore, whose film “An Inconvenient Truth” focussed on Yorke’s brother’s band, but I am able to summarise some of my findings here:

– Noise pollution (obviously)
– Ink pollution: 10,000 squids per tour die to fund the biros that Radiohead fans use to sign up to Amnesty International (a gesture forgotten 5 minutes after the concert, except by the squid’s grieving spawn)
– Conservation: it has been proved by science that the rare Tufted Grebe is unable to mate for 3 years if exposed to only two minutes of “Pyramid Song”
– Recycling: Yorke’s reckless commitment to “originality” in music means that unlike most rock stars his band selfishly REFUSES to use old riffs, choruses etc. (except the Hollies, obviously).

The list goes on and on – I call on all readers to boycott this environmental Satan now! I’ll be right behind you, sipping an organic gin.