The worst things you can hear on UK radio

by A.N.Office Worker.

5. Banter betwixt Colin and Edith on 1FM: Whenever one of Colin and Edith gets the week off the standard of their show skyrockets – together they form a nightmarish gestalt chemistry-vacuum. God knows whether 1FM bosses think they’re flirty or have some kind of ‘sexual tension’ – they sound like they barely like each other. The single most excruciating thing I’ve heard on their show remains their Eamon/Frankee ‘pastiche’.

4. Any advert on Kiss: Popular wisdom must still have it that all Kiss listeners are criminally irresposible drug-monkeys, as the station has the most miserable and finger-wagging adverts ever. The one which details the various things that happen to non-seatbelt wearers; the “this is what a huge bus sounds like if you have a walkman on” one; the wheezing smoker one – and many more!

3. “Heroes Or Zeroes” on 6 Music: supernaturally boring quiz in which a listener is asked a selection of questions in a low monotone about their favourite band, generally Talk Talk or Lush. I have heard this sixty or seventy times and have never managed to concentrate enough to work out what the prize is, or if anyone ever wins it.

2. “Flirty At 9.30” on Capital FM: licensed humiliation whereby lovesick idiot gets Capital’s morning DJ to phone someone they fancy and ask by proxy for a date. Sickening but horribly compelling, particularly when the person being phoned is plainly not remotely interested (though rarely are they cruel enough to actually say no).

1. Scott Mills comedy tapes: having purchased a list of gullible halfwits from a passing Nigerian scamster, Scott Mills proceeds to ‘prank call’ them with sampled comedy voices (David Brent, Ali G, The Terminator). Stupefyingly unfunny and awful – the only positive aspect is that Scott Mills is always hugely proud of his handiwork and trails the call for a half hour, plenty of time to finish one’s work and dash for a consolatory pint.