Posts from 5th November 2001

5
Nov 01

Media Notice – for immediate release

Pumpkin PublogPost a comment • 253 views

Media Notice – for immediate release

Beeland Concepts announces new drinking concept set to call time on Britain’s tired pubs

Britain’s pubs will never be the same again, thanks to a revolutionary new concept by gastro-pub-leisure-call centre conglomerate Beeland Concepts.

The group, which owns lots of things, have decided to move into this expanding sector after research conducted by University of Watford Gap Marketing guru Dr Frank Obvious. Dr Obvious concluded after studying cross-cultural and trans-historical trends that people ‘like drinking alcohol’. His amazing findings conclude with a rallying call to all entrepeneurs:

“There seems to be no factor that stops people getting drunk; births, marriages and even death appear to be no deterrent to drinking; indeed, early analysis shows that these events can act as a incentive. We also found that whilst people sometimes celebrated good news through drinking, many others used alcohol to commiserate; in this sense, it truly is an empty signifier, as Lacan theorised. And, just as Lacan made a mint out of empty signifiers, there’s gold in them thar hills for anyone who can get in on the act with alcohol.”

Dr Obvious – famous for his paradigm-shifting research showing ice-cream salesman made more money in the summer – worked with Beeland Concepts to realise the explosive vision contained within the stunning findings.

Now, after months of painstaking focus groups, Beeland launched the concept today at a Media event held in London’s exclusive West End. He revealed that the patented concept had been designed to appeal to all those people who were put off by traditional pubs and met their concerns head-on:

Pubs often have toilets that have graffiti on them, and when people have used them, there is evidence of their traces, be it hand-dryers left running, or unflushed toilets. In Beeland’s new world, the toilets will be for decoration only.

– Pool tables are often difficult to get onto because lots of people want to play, using unclear preference systems such as knocking the table, places varying denominations of coinage on them or illegibly marking on an unwritable blackboard with an infinitesimally small piece of chalk. Beeland will have a minimum charge of ’100, so only rich tossers who have recently watched ‘The Hustler’ and think they’re Paul Newman will be able to play.

The floor occassionally has cigarette ash and butts ground in, or is slightly sticky from spilt alcohol. Beeland can see no way around this problem, so will not have floors in their pubs.

They will not have a ceiling either as it tends to become yellowed, reminding smokers of what their lungs might look like and making non-smokers feel queasy. The same is true for walls.

Noise will be banned, Beeland announce. Dr Obvious concluded that Jukeboxes tended to be either monopolised by people who loaded up selections. The alternative, he found, was that people became irate when the machine randomised selections to avoid this. Even the radical step of not having music hadn’t worked, it was discovered, as people tended to ‘talk utter rubbish’ when drinking, which was annoying to other customers.

Beer itself will be banned, as research indicated that, ultimately, most of the problems were linked back to the consumption of alcohol in the first place.

Beeland CEO Homme O’Genous said the vision behind his new concept was ‘All the excitment of a pub without any of the nasty consequences that seem to put people off, such as customers drinking in them.”

Notes:

Beeland can be contacted via the alternate reality in which they live, work and took marketing and PR courses

– Ends

The FT mailbag

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The FT mailbag has been heaving under the weight of, well, three comments on the David Bowie radio show. Two out of the three were favourable but in the interests of balance and to curry sympathy here’s the hostile one (also it points out some geniune schoolboy errors – one of which was intentional to RILE Bowie pedants but the other of which was me not getting the right T Rex record. I claim moral victory anyway due to correspondent’s use of word “facking”).

“Dear Tom

I listened to you tonight on Radcliffe’s Radio 2 programme “Heroes or Zeroes”. I’m afraid to say you actually did come across as a complete twat, not only a complete twat, but a complete twat with completely wrong facts.

From your “arguments/statements” I counted two that could be justified as factually correct. Even though I disagreed with what you said, they were at least factual.

Arguments are fine – nothing wrong with people having opinions and thoughts, but please get your facts straight before blurting out absolute nonsense.

For the record… here’s 5 you got completely arse about tit…

1. Concerning copying Marc Bolan with the rhyming names… (as if that facking mattered anyway) but for the record Rolan Bolan was born FOUR years AFTER Zowie. (Rolan Bolan 8th October 1975 – Duncan Zowie Haywood Jones 30th May 1971). So if anything it was the other way around wasn’t it now.

2. You say Space Oddity was a novelty song about Major Tom the astronaut. Then DB revives him in Ashes To Ashes and suddenly Tom becomes a junkie? Space Oddity IS ABOUT TAKING HEROIN. It a metaphor. If you think taking heroin is a novelty then fine.

4. Bolan’s Electric Warrior album was released in November 1972, not 1971. Ziggy Stardust was released June 1972, That’s 6 months BEFORE. Not much happening on the “glam rock” scene in 1971 was there.

3. David Bowie had nothing whatsoever to do with Glam Rock.

Cheers, and thanks for a good laugh.

Paul Kinder”